NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Speaker McCarthy largely backed down on the looming fight over the budget, refusing to take seriously the demands of Gaetz and Co. that the national debt needs to be taken into account and dealt with before it’s too late, if “too late” hasn’t already passed us by.
But McCarthy’s bill still wasn’t good enough for President Joe Biden, who raged in a statement that the bill did not provide enough funding for the Ukrainians…despite the more than $100 billion in money and aid already sent their way. Biden said:
Tonight, bipartisan majorities in the House and Senate voted to keep the government open, preventing an unnecessary crisis that would have inflicted needless pain on millions of hardworking Americans. This bill ensures that active-duty troops will continue to get paid, travelers will be spared airport delays, millions of women and children will continue to have access to vital nutrition assistance, and so much more. This is good news for the American people.
But I want to be clear: we should never have been in this position in the first place. Just a few months ago, Speaker McCarthy and I reached a budget agreement to avoid precisely this type of manufactured crisis. For weeks, extreme House Republicans tried to walk away from that deal by demanding drastic cuts that would have been devastating for millions of Americans. They failed.
While the Speaker and the overwhelming majority of Congress have been steadfast in their support for Ukraine, there is no new funding in this agreement to continue that support. We cannot under any circumstances allow American support for Ukraine to be interrupted. I fully expect the Speaker will keep his commitment to the people of Ukraine and secure passage of the support needed to help Ukraine at this critical moment.
Continuing, he let on that the reason he cares about the situation in the Ukraine is that Hunter’s friends are over there, presumably providing kickbacks to the Biden family and its corrupt, Uniparty allies. “Look, Jack,” the president said. “We gotta take this seriously. We have to help out the Ukrainians before it’s too late. They need our money and our military equipment so they can continue fending off the evil Russians and ensure that LGBTQIA+ individuals can live freely. Putin hates such people, so we must defend them.”
“And look, Hunter’s friends need help. They’re good folks. I’ve met them. I know them. Hunter remains close with the fellows at Burisma and…uhh…you know, the thing. Wonderful people. And they need our help. Without us, all might be lost. Without us, they could lose. Without us, the Russians could confiscate their property. That’s unacceptable, Jack. We can’t let it happen. So Speaker McCarthy needs to get back to work right this minute and make sure Burisma and Kiev have everything they need to keep their property secure and LGBTQIA+ individuals free from Russia’s Christian standards of conduct.”