NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The “mystery” of billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s death has finally been solved thanks to the 4chan hack of Hunter Biden’s iPhone; Hunter was there with Hillary and the duo “rubbed out” Epstein, as characters in old mafia movies might say.
The final piece of evidence that “solved the case” was a video that came out as part of the hack and leak, one in which Hunter, a crackhead that bizarrely filmed every illegal thing he did, was walking through the prison in which Epstein was locked up with Hillary until the two finally got to his cell, bribed the guards who were supposed to be watching him to “fall asleep”, and then entered his cell.
While in the cell, Hunter got distracted lighting a crack pipe and smoking it while Hillary and Epstein argued, with Epstein begging for his life and promising to not “tattle” on Bill Clinton or any of his other Democrat-leaning “guests” as Hillary yells that that’s “not enough” and cracks her knuckles.
Then, all of the sudden, Hillary jumped onto Epstein and started strangling him, with Hunter putting down his crack pipe and entering the fray to hold down Epstein while Hillary got a good grip on his meaty neck and ended him.
The duo then bribed the guards again, this time to knock out the cameras and ensure that the footage would be “unusable” before leaving.
Commenting on the incident on Truth Social, President Trump fired off a long statement that included a clip from the video, one that showed a possessed-looking Hillary Clinton in the final moments of strangling Epstein, saying:
“I couldn’t care less that PEDO Jeff Epstein was killed, except that he took many, many secrets to his grave! Who else from the Democratic Party, lying and very unfair media, and loser, woke universities was involved with Epstein that we won’t know about thanks to Killary killing Epstein?!
“So now we know what happened! When I RETVRN in 2024, as the many fun frogs on Twitter like to say, justice will be served! Lots of nasty people have gotten off of the hook so far, but not for much longer!
“Oh, and I won’t forget that Bill Barr’s dad was the one who hired Epstein at the Dalton school and let him molest girls there! Very sketchy and explains why Epstein died under blubbery Bill Barr’s watch, that’s for sure!”
Former President Trump’s son, Donald Trump Jr., then posted a meme showing Hillary hiding in the corner of Epstein’s cell with a lampshade on her head, posting that with the comment “fact-checkers will censor this not because she didn’t kill him, but because she didn’t even bother to try hiding in the cell”.
Sure enough, he was suspended for three days for that reason. The White House declined to comment, though Hillary took a private jet to Ecuador (which has no extradition treaty with the US) when the story broke.