Note: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
After years of screeching “hypocrite” every time the Democrats do something hypocritical, a charge that never does anything other than rile up the base (leftists couldn’t care less about being called ‘the real racists,’ or whatever. They know the charge sticks on the GOP better than them), the GOP thinks it’s found a charge that’ll finally stick and stop the Dems.
What is that charge? That certain legislators, legislators that will remain nameless so as to avoid a repeat of the John McAfee end (suicided) for this author, are “hypocrites” for calling Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin a “kleptocrat” or “corrupt” despite the fact that they have made millions trading stocks based on insider information.
Former Trump staffer and advisor Stephen Miller, speaking about that hypocrisy in a statement, said:
“Yeah, so what we realized is that though they attack Putler…err, Vladimir Puti, excuse me, for being corrupt or whatever, they’re just as bad. In fact, some of them might be worse than the Russian oligarch class; at least those oligarchs produce something tangible in exchange for what they steal and our patriots. Our corrupt politicians a) hate America and b) don’t give us anything other than absolutely horrible policies.
Now, I’m not for being one of those Conservative, Inc. losers that just chants ‘hypocrite’ rather than doing something serious, but this does seem like an effective line of attack.”
Miller then, getting up to leave, added that “at least Putin knows how to spend his cash. Have you seen that palace? F***** magnificent.”
Certain members of the GOP, however, didn’t get the memo from Miller that the “hypocrite” charge should be replaced with something more effective, so they started saying “Democrats are the real kleptocratic oligarchs.” True as that might be, it didn’t really work and, worse, gave the DNC time to come up with an effective retort before the GOP could figure out how to use the corruption line better.
Further, certain GOP politicians were less than enthused at the idea of taking on the corruption issue. Mitch McConnell, who’s made a fortune investing in Chinese shipping, and Dan Crenshaw, who has made similarly good stock returns to famed trader Nancy Pelosi, both decried the attack as “unfair” saying that the GOP needs to remain “principled” and not engage in “mudslinging related to the finances of certain members.”
Massive bank transfers from the Northern Virginia area to the Cayman Islands and Swiss banks then took place, with Crenshaw and McConnell then going on a “bipartsan fact-finding mission” to the Caymans alongside Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
Marjorie Taylor Greene, taking time from her current trial to mock them for the whole thing, asked how many American dollars they stole to pay for the pina Coladas they were sipping on a beach in the Caymans, to which the “fact-finders” responded by saying they were horrified by her unproven allegations of corruption.
Meanwhile, the effective attack strategy was lost in the squabbling between corrupt RINOs and furious populists.