NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
For whatever imbecilic reason, the Biden Administration put Vice President Kamala Harris in charge of giving a speech on semi-conductors and how the Biden Administration is encouraging their production. Apparently, however, she did zero research on the topic and so, when attempting to improvise, went off course with an idiotic rant about potato chips. She said:
Semiconductors are the brain of modern technology. While they are no larger than a fingernail and no thicker than a piece of paper, they are essential to every electronic device that we currently use – from computers and televisions to cars and washing machines. Thanks to our Administration’s CHIPS and Science Act, we are announcing the Department of Commerce’s preliminary agreement with GlobalFoundries, which will award approximately $1.5 billion to expand domestic production of semiconductors, strengthen U.S. supply chains, and create thousands of good paying jobs right here in America.
While in Singapore in August 2021, I convened CEOs and government leaders to make progress on global supply chain challenges. As part of that convening, I met with an executive from GlobalFoundries, and they committed to working with our administration to secure domestic supply chains. The preliminary agreement announced today will allow GlobalFoundries to create a new state of the art semiconductor production facility in Malta, NY, and will allow the company to expand existing operations in both New York and Vermont. The chips made by GlobalFoundries are critical for the development and manufacturing of vehicles and smartphones, and are used for satellite and space communications that are essential to our national defense and national security.
This investment will also create more than 10,000 good jobs over the next decade, including many union construction jobs that pay fair wages and offer benefits like child care services. Additionally, the domestic production of these chips will provide more supply chain stability to the auto and aerospace industries across the United States that currently rely on the shipment of these chips from overseas. And of course, these types of investments can have a multiplier effect in communities – driving small business growth…
That’s when she trailed off of the actual speech, prepared by some unfortunate intern, and decided to roll with her own thoughts. She said, “Well, so what matters in America is…ummm…well we need the chips…because they are good. I love Pringles, y’all! I love chips! Don’t we all? I mean, think, ummm, think about it. Chips are delicious. They’re salty. They taste good. I don’t see why we have to spend billions on factories for them…they’re just fried, but it will create jobs!”
“And let me tell you why Pringles are the best: they actually fill up the can! Lays, Doritos, all the others…they don’t fill up the bag! It’s, like, umm, half empty. It is! But not Pringles. Those cans are full. And that’s why they’re so delicious. Because you’re getting your money’s worth.”
An intern then stepped on stage and said something to Kamala, presumably about her describing the wrong type of chip, and Kamala burst into cackling. She then, embarrassed, walked off stage while mumbling about “chips.”