NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
“Mayor Pete”, Biden’s gay Secretary of Transportation, is once again Missing in Action at a time when supply chain snarls and budding transportation issues are leading to more and more inflation and keeping the nation on edge.
This time, however, he’s not “chestfeeding” while on paternity leave with his husband and “their” two kids. Rather, he’s stuck in the sick bay with a nasty case of monkeypox that he apparently got while “investigating the impact of supply chain issues on America’s Turkish bathhouses.”
His husband, Chastin, does not have monkeypox and is apparently upset about that as it means that Pete was cheating on him while spending all that time in the damp corridors of the bathhouses with other men of his sexual persuasion.
According to his schedule, he apparently made 97 trips to Turkish bathhouses in the DC area in the past two months alone, claiming that he was only there in his “capacity as Transportation Secretary”, though he often spent hours inside and, according to an anonymous member of his staff, emerged looking like he’d be spreading the sheets rather than looking at spreadsheets.
In any case, the Buttigieg diagnosis has been seized upon by his husband Chastin as possible grounds for a divorce, which could lead to a highly publicized spat over what happens to the kids in a divorcing gay relationship that’s sure to become a new battleground in the culture war.
Ignoring that and building the diagnosis up rather than playing it down, the Biden Administration, desperate for any headline that takes the spotlight off of Slow Joe and his disastrously bad handling of the economy, has used Mayor Pete’s case of monkeypox as an opportunity to focus on “how Joe is helping the LGBTQ+ community”, emphasizing such initiatives as now leaving wet wipes and hand sanitizer around the White House and handing out condoms before officials take trips to bathhouses in the DC area.
That decision, however, somewhat backfired on Biden, as the gay community attacked Biden for “stigmatizing bathhouses”, “defending the homophobic assumption that monkeypox is a plague coming from the LGBTQ+ community”, and “encouraging homophobia by not inviting Mayor Pete into the White House as he battles monkeypox.”
Biden, to combat that criticism, sent Kamala to visit Mayor Pete in the hospital. That made for an awkward photo op, as Kamala had a tough time hiding how grossed out she was and refused to shake Pete’s hand. She also, not understanding the STD aspect of monkeypox, brought along Chastin, who looked less than pleased about being there and was shooting daggers at Pete whenever he looked at him.
Biden later justified his response by explaining that he was “worried that Hunter’s sometimes risky activities would lead to him getting monkeypox, and so was doing everything possible to learn how to treat it.”