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“I’d Punch Whoopi”: ABC, Fox News to Host Collaboration Show Where Whoopi and Tucker Argue and Fight

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Tired of terrible ratings for all of its programs, ABC decided to take a new tack with its programming and try to produce something that people would actually want, rather than woke nonsense that aging cat ladies watch alone while calling people “racist” online. Unfortunately for the network, however, its attempt to get ideas out of its staffers for what could be in such a show didn’t go well.

    Instead, they just kept offering up the same sort of programs that ABC already runs. Shows about runaway slaves fighting for the Union, talk shows about how racist Republicans and white people are, interviews with PLO and Hama “freedom fighters” in Gaza, Jerusalem, and Lebanon, and a kids show about a transgender babysitter teaching her charges how to “live their sexuality” were all the show writers could come up with.

    Driven by pure financial necessity, the network’s executives turned down all those ideas and instead asked Twitter what sort of show it would want to see. Unrestrained thanks to Elon, Twitter settled on one idea in particular: having Tucker Carlson and Whoopi Goldberg scream at each other for an hour every day.

    Tucker, they knew, would never leave his position at Fox News where he has a massive audience and can say whatever he wants to work at ABC. Similarly, Whoopi would never work for Fox News. So, instead, the ABC executives came up with a nifty new plan: they’d instead have the show be a weekly collaboration with Fox News and Tucker and Whoopi could then fight without leaving their current networks.

    Fox News, needing to find a way to start edging out Geraldo Rivera because fans hate him, jumped at the idea and said Tucker would be happy to join in.

    Tucker, for his part, seemed less than enthused about having to spend an hour each week with Whoopi Goldberg, but excited about getting to humiliate her in front of millions of people on a weekly basis.

    Playing to his most dedicated viewers on Twitter, Tucker said “I’d punch Whoopi if I could…but I can’t. So instead I have to spend an hour with a week verbally punching her and showing ridiculous all of her “ideas” are. Get ready to have some fun with us every Tuesday night!”

    Whoopi accused Tucker of “hate speech” in response and the two vowed to fight it out on their new show.

    By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1

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