NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
This time, it was Dr. Jill Biden, not her senile and demented husband, who embarrassed the administration during what should have been an easy to give speech on cancer and how the Biden Administration is trying to fix it…as if that’s going to happen. In any case, she said, during her speech:
“We can’t afford to wait another minute for better solutions, better treatments, better cures. That’s why my husband, President Biden, and I reignited the Biden Cancer Moonshot – our White House initiative to build a world where cancer is not a death sentence. Where we stop cancer before it starts. Where we catch it early and help people live longer, healthier, happier lives. Where we invest in innovative research and help patients and their families navigate this journey.
For survivors, that journey doesn’t end when they are declared “cancer free.” Side effects from treatment and the constant fear of that next doctor’s appointment linger through remission. But with research and the right care for survivors, we can mitigate those side effects and help ease those fears.
There are 18 million cancer survivors across our country, and thanks to the amazing work being done here, we are adding to that number each day. As I’ve traveled the country and the world – I’ve seen innovative programs and partnerships that are making progress. I’ve seen what is possible when we invest in cutting edge research. And I’ve seen that there is so much hope to be found.
Through the Biden Cancer Moonshot, we are putting American innovation to work for patients. That is the urgency of now. For Joe and me, this is the mission of our lives. And we are ready and proud to work beside you. In fact, that’s why I became a doctor. To save people like you.”
Standing in front of her was a reporter who, looking quite quizzical throughout the speech and downright disbelieving at the end, immediately asked, “Dr. Biden, don’t you have an Ed.D.? Not a PhD or MD? How are you going to solve cancer with an English degree?”
Dr. Jill went from shocked to furious in nearly a split second and then unloaded on the reporter, yelling, “You don’t think I’m a real doctor?! I am a real doctor! I’m more real of a doctor than that communist in the atomic bomb movie this summer! I got my degree fair and square after Joe sent the University of Deleware an email! I’m very smart and going to cause cancer?”
“Then how does cancer work,” the reporter asked. “Like, in your view, what paths should researchers be going down to stop the cell-level process causing it?” Dr. Jill was stumped. She glared silently for half a minute then stomped off the stage, obviously about to cry.