NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden just had yet another gaffe embarrassment, this time when speaking to campaign donors about why he’s running for president. Beginning he did his usual mumble routine and, a couple of minutes in, couldn’t figure out if the microphone was working. Here’s that bit:
And, look, you know, all of you being here, I don’t know why you’d ever leave here. (Laughter.) It’s magnificent. And I want to thank you. You know, I’ve met a lot of world leaders. And I — I come at this reelection thinking about what I was as- — I was asked by Xi Jinping — I’ve spent a lot of hours with him over the last 12 years. I mean, in over — they keep mec- — meticulous records — 82 hours’ worth just he and I, 60-some of it in person.
And we were in the Tibetan Plateau, and he said, “Can you define America for me?” And I said, “Yes, I can. In one word…” — the Gov has heard me say this before — “In one word: possibilities. Possibilities.” One of the reasons why we’re always referred to, Mr. President, by others as “the ugly Americans”: We think we can do anything. And we can do anything we set our mind to. But we just haven’t focused much — very much in the last four or five years in terms of focusing on what we need to do.
I’m convinced if we work together, there’s not a damn thing we can’t get done. Now, I — and I — and I mean that. I — I mean that sincerely. You know, we’ve — when I announced the first time, I said I was running for — (Taps the microphone.) Is this working?
Unfortunately for him, that was the best and most coherent part of the speech. After it, he turned to talking about his plans for the future and why he’s running for president. That’s when he admitted that he’s running not for any real reason, but rather because he wants to protect Hunter from being locked up.
“Just think,” he said, “What those ultra MAGA crazies are gonna do if they win! Hunter will never be safe, they’ll do every last darn thing in their power to lock him up. And that’s a fact, Jack. So what we really need to do is get me elected so I can protect Hunter. He’s a good kid. He sure doesn’t deserve this. So we gotta get out there and protect him. If I’m out of office, Hunter will get locked up for his couple of mistakes. And so I’m gonna stop that. I’m running because Hunter can’t go to jail.”
The donors were less than enthused with that idea until Biden promised he’d give them some of Hunter’s lobbying business if they helped him get reelected.
