NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Investors everywhere are looking for Alpha (outsized returns) as the stock market tanks and their portfolios blow up, looking desperately for a way to somehow stave off collapse and ensure they’ll still be able to retire on time, buy that house they’ve been eyeing for years, or pay for their kids to go to college.
That’s harder than ever with the “everything bubble” popping, as the Bidenflation disaster, Federal Reserve raising rates, Russian invasion, and food concerns have made the whole financial world a disaster. Real estate is tanking, the stock market has collapsed into a pitiful pile of rubble, crypto has been utterly deflated, and even commodities are not doing particularly well despite inflation. It’s a terrible economic situation, particularly for investors.
Well one man has finally cracked the code and figured out how to generate Alpha despite the economy crumbling.
That would be Chadsworth “Chad” Harrington IV, a recent college graduate who was “red-pilled” while in college, graduating with a profound dislike of leftists and a prestigious finance degree.
Rather than working for Bank of America or Goldman Sachs like many of his friends, however, Chad turned to cracking the code of the market, trying to figure out how to generate large returns even when things were going poorly for other investors and the economy.
At first, it was hard. The economy was great under Trump and still managed to chug along, at first, at least, under Biden, making it hard to find a way to make larger returns than the market, which was doing great.
But then cracks started to appear in the economy. Inflation was ticking upward. Gasoline was getting ever more expensive. Insane foreign policy decisions made the economic situation even worse. Craziness was breaking out everywhere.
Yet, despite it all, Team Biden kept making cheery announcements. According to them, there’s no recession on the horizon, inflation is transitory, etc. Whatever they say tends to be the opposite of what’s really happening.
And that’s when Chad realized what to do: create an ETF that does the opposite of what one would do if taking Team Biden’s pronouncements at face value.
When Biden said that inflation is transitory, Chad’s ETF went short the dollar and long gold and oil. When Biden said no recession is on the horizon, Chad went short the SP 500 and long the companies that handle repossessions. When Biden said Russia’s economy would crumble under the threat of US sanctions and world disapproval, Chad went long the ruble.
And so he has been the one fund manager who has outperformed the market in the past 12 months and managed to stay in the green this year. To jump aboard the inverse Biden ETF, just search “FJB” on your brokerage and load up on shares!