NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things have gotten weird over in Congress. There, Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California, a guy who many of us consider something between an Establishment Conservative and the MAGA side of the party, has had a full-on conservative glow-up. Though never a RINO of the Sen. Mitt Romney mold, nor really as plugged into the Establishment GOP as someone like Mitch McConnell or Dan Crenshaw, Kevin has hardly been a Trump sound alike. He’s pretty good, all things considered, but not necessarily great.
Until now, that is. Following the GOP’s House Freedom Caucus group’s intransigence during the fight over whether Kevin would be elected Speaker of the House or not, Kevin suddenly went full MAGA Republican. He led the charge to strip the IRS of $70 billion with which it would otherwise have hired auditors to harass average Americans. Now he’s letting the GOP get an effort going to vote on the FairTax Act, which would replace all current taxes with a national consumption tax. And it looks like he might try to lead an impeachment effort against Mayorkas.
So what happened? Did Kevin suddenly get more conservative? Or did something else happen? That’s what an investigative reporter for the Daily Wire wanted to learn, so she followed McCarthy to his house one night in an attempt to figure out what was going on. What she saw shocked her. The man she thought was Kevin, as he walked inside the house, took off a mask and undid a male corset, exposing his true gut and facial features. Turns out, it was Donald Trump just pretending to be Kevin McCarthy!
Too shocked to think things through reasonably, she ran over to the house and banged on the door until former President Trump opened it and walked inside. Once inside, Trump told her the whole story:
Rep. Matt Gaetz, unsure over how to get past the impasse thanks to McCarthy’s intransigence on stepping down and his side’s similar refusal, decided to take matters into his own hands. After talking to a few intelligence community contacts, he had a full Kevin McCarthy suit made for President Trump, who put it on and looked surprisingly like McCarthy. He then convinced McCarthy to get in on the plan and sent him on a 10 week trip to Aruba, figuring that Trump could set things on a good enough path while Kevin was away and get most of the major MAGA priorities voted on. Kevin, happy to be named Speaker without having to openly back down on too much, took Gaetz up on the vacation offer and visited the beach for a few days.
Trump was excited to get to pretend to be someone else and not constantly have to live up to the reputation of being the Donald, though he hated the way fewer people scraped and bowed before him when he was in costume than they do at Mar-a-Lago.