NOE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It all started when Israel blew up a Christian hospital in Palestine (yes, those do exist) by hitting it with a bomb meant to level an entire block of concrete buildings. As could be expected when leveling a crowded structure that no civilized military would attack, the casualties were horrendous. A thousand people died and two thousand were wounded, with both numbers expected to rise dramatically.
So, Biden and his administration decided that they needed to at least say something about the horrific incident and that something took the form of a statement that took no real stance. In it, Biden said, “I am outraged and deeply saddened by the explosion at the Al Ahli Arab hospital in Gaza, and the terrible loss of life that resulted. Immediately upon hearing this news, I spoke with King Abdullah II of Jordan, and Prime Minister Netanyahu of Israel and have directed my national security team to continue gathering information about what exactly happened. The United States stands unequivocally for the protection of civilian life during conflict and we mourn the patients, medical staff and other innocents killed or wounded in this tragedy.”
Though it hardly blamed the Israelis, much less brought up their record of funding Jeffrey Epstein, sinking the USS Liberty, or destroying Christian churches in Palestine, the statement was stern stuff coming from the US and directed toward Israel, as normally the country gets a free pass for whatever it does.
So, the Israeli government thought long and hard about where to hide the evidence that it did, in fact, blow up the hospital and murder almost everyone inside. Then it struck the head of Israeli Military Intelligence, a close friend of Jeffrey Epstein.
“Why not just hide it in a data file written over with all the Hunter Biden laptop stuff?” he asked. “Jeffrey and I had lots of incriminating stuff on there…Hunter was, umm, around a lot, and no one ever looked because the American regime doesn’t care a bit. The Republican politicians pretend to but don’t, the Deep State and Democrats don’t. This will be as secure as we can make it, and we’ll just say we were trying to find Jeffrey’s killer, or whatever, if they ask why we have his laptop data.”
“Brilliant idea,” Netanyahu said. “Let’s just have server set up that saves a copy of the laptop data over every day’s military reports, footage, and so on so that we’re safe.”
The Palestinians had a similar idea, wanting to record footage to use in their slick propaganda videos while keeping their atrocities a secret. So, in case the Israelis raided them and captured their footage of baby beheadings, mass graves, and the like, they hid their footage under copies of the Hunter laptop. That way the Israelis, if they wanted to release it to the world, would also have to release the Hunter laptop info, some of which tied back to their relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.