NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Vice President Kamala Harris just had a call with President Herzog of Israel about the situation in the country and in Gaza. While the White House claims it went well, the reality is anything but. According to furious insiders, the call went so poorly thanks to Kamala’s lack of preparation, meaningless monologues, and cackling that President Herzog hung up.
The White House’s summary of the call made it sound like a success, saying, “Vice President Kamala Harris today spoke with President Isaac Herzog of Israel on the one-month anniversary of Hamas’s terrorist attack against Israel on October 7. They discussed the latest developments in Israel, Gaza, and the West Bank. The Vice President reiterated her support for Israel’s right to defend its citizens and combat terrorism following Hamas’s horrific attack, and underscored her and President Biden’s focus on securing the release of hostages being held by Hamas.”
Continuing, that supposed summary of the call claimed, “The Vice President emphasized the importance of protecting civilian lives and respecting international humanitarian law. She emphasized the imperative to further increase the delivery of life-saving humanitarian assistance to civilians in Gaza. The Vice President also raised the need to increase stability and security in the West Bank and hold extremist settlers accountable for violent acts. Beyond the current conflict, the Vice President underscored the importance of setting conditions now for a durable and sustainable peace and security with equal measures of security, prosperity, and freedom for Israelis and Palestinians. She committed to continue to work with our partners throughout the region to that end.”
But our insider had a very different take. He said, “Yeah that whole thing was an utter train wreck. Like complete and total destruction, no survivors, no redeeming elements. Total disaster. It went so badly that the guy hung up on her! Just clicked the phone down on the receiver, as she was mid sentence. I mean, her sentences go on and on and all, but still. Wow.”
Giving more detail when pressed, he said, “Well, so what happened was Kamala did her normal thing and didn’t prepare. Not a bit. Like she picked up the phone and asked who she was talking to five minutes in…that bad. She didn’t have any notes, didn’t have any questions about who should do what or what Israel needs. None of that. What she did have was a series of long, drawn out stories about absolutely nothing. Just total gibberish, like watching Seinfeld but it’s a phone call.”
“And you could tell Herzog could tell. It was really uncomfortable. So then, halfway through her story about sending toothpaste to the Congo and how that shows Russia’s racism…yes she was really going on about that…Herzog cuts her off and asks if she has a point. Says he’s really busy. She doesn’t even try to answer. Just starts cackling. And cackling. And cackling. It went on forever. Then he hung up on her. Needless to say, she was furious.”