NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
What’s going on in the White House? Well, Dr. Jill bundled up Biden in too many layers of sweaters and jackets yesterday, much like the younger brother in “A Christmas Story,” and Biden got hot. But instead of just taking off his topcoat, the senile president assumed that he was sweating because of “climate change.” So now the Biden Administration is going all in on “fighting the hot weather.” Such is what Biden said in a bizarre speech in which he complained about the weather and referred to himself in the third person, calling himself “President Biden.”
Since day one, President Biden, Vice President Harris, and the entire Biden-Harris Administration have treated climate change as the existential threat of our time. After spearheading the most significant climate action in history at home and leading efforts to tackle the climate crisis abroad, the United States heads into the 28th U.N. Climate Change Conference (COP28) in Dubai, United Arab Emirates (UAE) with unprecedented momentum. At COP28, the Biden-Harris Administration will urge other major economies to accelerate climate action in this decisive decade and will announce new initiatives to galvanize global efforts to keep a resilient, 1.5°C future within reach.
As part of the Vice President’s remarks at COP28, she will announce a series of initiatives outlined below, including a $3 billion pledge to the Green Climate Fund as the United States works with international partners to mobilize finance at the pace and scale required.
President Biden’s ambitious domestic climate action offers countries gathering at COP28 a proven model for how bold action to tackle the climate crisis and end dependence on fossil fuels can unlock a new era of clean and inclusive economic growth, investment, good-paying jobs, energy security, and savings for families and business. Thanks to the Inflation Reduction Act (IRA) – the largest investment in clean energy and climate action ever – the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law (BIL), and other executive actions, the United States is in a strong position to achieve our 1.5°C-aligned emissions target under the Paris Agreement. Implementation of these two laws alone is expected to cut U.S. emissions as much as 41% below 2005 levels in 2030 – roughly 80% of the way towards achieving the 50-52% reduction outlined in our nationally determined contribution (NDC). At the same time, the Biden Administration is pursuing additional federal actions to bring us to the full 50-52% reduction levels, including measures like the Environmental Protection Agency’s (EPA) standards for vehicles, power plants, and methane emissions – which complement increased action from state and local governments and the private sector.
Continuing, he said, “And look, this matters. President Biden was hot yesterday! It’s December now! But it was hot yesterday, Jack! Hot in December! What’s the world coming to? Look, this is because of climate change, plain and simple. No other explanation for it, Jack. So we gotta fight the hot weather. And we’re gonna do so by placing some common sense restrictions on the oil and gas industry.“