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Janet Yellen Argues Bailing Out Rich Banker, VC Fund Managers Critical to “Saving Our Democracy”

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    When asked if she and the US Treasury would bail out Silicon Valley Bank, Janet Yellen first said the reasonable thing, which was “The reforms that have been put in place means that we’re not going to do that again. But we are concerned about depositors and are focused on trying to meet their needs.

    But then the bankers around the country lost their collective minds and started yelling about how saving their business so they can afford their $200,000 cars and NYC or LA penthouses, so the Biden regime felt pressure and leaned on Yellen…who predictably backed down faster than France in WWII.

    So Treasury then declared that it would essentially bail out the bank by making the customers whole, saying:

    Today we are taking decisive actions to protect the U.S. economy by strengthening public confidence in our banking system. This step will ensure that the U.S. banking system continues to perform its vital roles of protecting deposits and providing access to credit to households and businesses in a manner that promotes strong and sustainable economic growth.

    After receiving a recommendation from the boards of the FDIC and the Federal Reserve, and consulting with the President, Secretary Yellen approved actions enabling the FDIC to complete its resolution of Silicon Valley Bank, Santa Clara, California, in a manner that fully protects all depositors. Depositors will have access to all of their money starting Monday, March 13. No losses associated with the resolution of Silicon Valley Bank will be borne by the taxpayer.

    We are also announcing a similar systemic risk exception for Signature Bank, New York, New York, which was closed today by its state chartering authority. All depositors of this institution will be made whole. As with the resolution of Silicon Valley Bank, no losses will be borne by the taxpayer.

    Shareholders and certain unsecured debtholders will not be protected. Senior management has also been removed. Any losses to the Deposit Insurance Fund to support uninsured depositors will be recovered by a special assessment on banks, as required by law.

    Finally, the Federal Reserve Board on Sunday announced it will make available additional funding to eligible depository institutions to help assure banks have the ability to meet the needs of all their depositors.

    The U.S. banking system remains resilient and on a solid foundation, in large part due to reforms that were made after the financial crisis that ensured better safeguards for the banking industry. Those reforms combined with today’s actions demonstrate our commitment to take the necessary steps to ensure that depositors’ savings remain safe.

    Yellen was, predictably, asked about why she changed her tune on bailing out the big bank, spending yet more taxpayer dollars on saving the already wealthy from their own mistakes. Responding, she said “Well, look: it is absolutely critical to our democracy that we save these rich bankers from their own mistakes. And no, this does not mean we will be helping average Americans in any way. You better pay your credit card bills and remember to pay your taxes next month.”

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