Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida and one-time Presidential hopeful, has defeated Vladimir Putin in a landslide victory for the Russian Presidency. The news has sent shockwaves through the international community, with many wondering how Bush managed to campaign in a country where his most famous catchphrase, “Please clap,” was lost in translation.
Bush’s unexpected campaign, dubbed “Jeb Can Fix It – Yes, Even Russia,” began as a modest social media movement but quickly gained momentum, thanks in part to his promises of more lenient policies on sweater vests and his innovative approach to foreign policy, which primarily involves sending handwritten apology notes to world leaders.
“I’m as surprised as anyone,” Jeb confessed at his victory rally in Red Square, where the crowd’s tepid applause was drowned out by the sound of nesting dolls clapping. “I thought I was signing up for a Russian language course. Next thing I know, I’m on the ballot.”
Putin, who has been at the helm of Russian politics for over two decades, initially dismissed Bush’s candidacy as a mere blip on the electoral radar. However, the Russian populace, intrigued by the novelty of a Bush not starting a war on their soil, turned out in droves to cast their vote for the American.
In his concession speech, Putin grudgingly acknowledged his defeat, remarking, “I underestimated the man. Anyone who can survive a primary against Trump and come out still willing to enter another political race has a resilience I can only admire from afar.”