NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden was torn to shreds by his liberal colleagues on Monday, many of whom were upset (or, perhaps more realistically, pretending to be upset) about his recent use of the term “crackhead” when describing his son Hunter Biden.
As background, Biden, when pressed by reporters when walking to Marine Force One on the White House lawn about recent reports in the Daily Mail that Hunter sent him links to pornographic videos, President Biden said:
“Oh, him, Hunter? Don’t need to worry about that and what Hunter is up to, Jack. Hunter’s just a crackhead and was acting like one. Nothing serious to look at there.
“No, the real thing we’ve got to worry about now is white supremacy. They’re the bad guys, not Hunter. He was just enjoying playing with rocks when he did that, if ya catch my drift, Jack.
“Now stop being dog-faced pony soldiers and focus on what’s important: gun control!”
Despite his taking the time to use the interview both to attack white supremacy and call for gun control, both of which are leftie priorities right now, Biden was still attacked for his statement by the likes of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who gave a joint press conference on the matter.
Jackson began the joint statement, saying:
“Now listen here: we support Biden when we can, we really do. He ain’t a bad guy so much as he’s just a fool. A dumb and old one, to be sure, but a fool.
“But we can not hold our tongues any longer! This guy he’s, he’s, he’s using his power not to advance racial justice and create opportunities for the common black man, but to push racism on the masses! That’s what he and all his klan friends are doing!”
It’s not clear who Jackson meant by “klan friends,” though perhaps he was referring to the now-dead Senator Richard Byrd, a former officer in the Ku Klux Klan.
Regardless, it was at that point that Al Sharpton, who had been punctuating Jackson’s remarks with “mmmhmmm”, took over, saying:
“Now Biden, when he used that evil term, that term used to oppress the black man: ‘crackhead’, that was a direct attack on the black community!
“What else could he have been doing but trying to return America to the Reagan days, when the CIA fed brothers crack and then the cops arrested brothers for going along with it?! That’s what Biden’s doing, what he’s trying to return us to! We’ve gotta fight back!”
Biden was napping and unable to respond to the accusations, and his new press secretary refused to do her job and defend him, declaring that she would not “perpetuate racism,” but some intern in the White House did fire off a media response saying that while Biden’s remarks were “impolite and perhaps not politically correct”, they were meant to “inform the public of Hunter’s mental state, not to insult African-Americans.”
At that point, the mob gathering outside the White House began to disperse, many of them to smoke crack.