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Joe Returns to Hard on Crime Policies after Getting Lost, Wandering around Downtown Philadelphia

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Slow Joe Biden, after giving a speech in Philadelphia about the gas price crisis and on how he was counting on frackers in Pennsylvania to start producing as much oil and natural gas as possible, Biden walked off stage.

    Normally, when he walks off stage he just goes back to wherever he’s supposed to wait and eats some oatmeal or takes a quick nap.

    In fact, he does that so regularly that the Secret Service has stopped even paying attention to where he goes, trusting him to just return to a bed or bowl of warm oats like a train on a track. “Amtrack Joe” was right after all.

    Unfortunately, that reliance on him to not be totally incompetent was misplaced, as senile Joe got lost trying to find his oatmeal and ended up leaving the building through a back exit.

    He was then on his own and without a security badge (he’s not trusted with anything that could pose a problem if he loses it), and thus unable to get back into the building.

    So, he started walking, hoping to find someone who could let him back into the building and back to his oatmeal.

    That he did not find. Rather, he got even more lost and ended up wandering the apocalypse-like streets of downtown Philly, with a camera strapped to him recording this shocking video of what the downtown area of the city looks like.

    The sickening anarchy and chaos of it shocked Joe.

    In fact, he was so shocked that he was startled out of his stupor and able to make it back to the building where he had been giving a speech before any of the prowling thugs could get to him.

    Rushing back into the building like a man on a mission, Joe darted back up on stage, snatched the microphone out of cackling Kamala’s hands, much to her annoyance, and started talking with more vigor than anyone had heard from him since the 90s.

    Speaking on the horror show he had just seen downtown, Joe said:

    What the heck has happened to America’s cities, Jack?

    “I just walked around your downtown area and hell, it looked like a village street in Mogadishu or Ceylon!

    “You’ve got a bunch of crack addicts that look like Hunter stumbling around high off their rockers, thugs prowling the streets like wolves in the night, and prosties on every street corner!

    “This is unacceptable! From today forward, America is cracking down on crime. It’s high time we cleaned up our cities, even if that means scourging them with fire and steel! This I promise!

    Despite the audience being almost entirely composed of radical Democrats there to listen to Joe, the speech was still received with raucous applause, everyone there very obviously excited at the idea of being able to walk on the streets without fearing being violently assaulted by some random, crazed, drug-addicted thug.

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