NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
4chan posters and trolls allegedly hacked into Hunter Biden’s phone and dug through the contents and boy are they spicy… there are text messages galore, a video of him walking around pantsless on the beach, a video of him arguing with a hooker about how much crack he has, and, best of all, his contact information for his dad, Joe Biden.
Does he have Biden in the phone as “dad”? Not according to the 4chan leak. What about Joe, as that might have seemed more professional given the nature of their relationship? Again, not according to what 4chan found. No, according to the recent hack and leak of the information, Slow Joe Biden was in Hunter’s phone as “Pedo Peter”.
The “Peter” part of the name is apparently because Biden wanted Hunter to call him the name of a character in a Tom Clancy book. Weird. The pedo part…well that’s even weirder and has dire implications if true. Perhaps he knows what happened to Jeffrey Epstein.
In any case, Biden had to do some damage control and describe why he was saved as a contact in his son’s phone as “Pedo Peter”, a topic that the White House evidently thought deserved a full press conference.
And so Biden did that, and it was predictably disastrous, as Biden forgot to take his meds and wandered off the teleprompter script near immediately. Trying to explain, in his own words, why his son referred to him as “Pedo Peter”, Biden said:
“Well here’s the thing, Jack. It was just a joke because I like sniffing little girls. You know, you come up behind ’em, grab ’em by the shoulders, and get in a good, long sniff. Ain’t nothing wrong with sniffing! Just good, clean fun.
“Now I’ll tell you what, Jack: all I was doing was sniffing. Just sniffing, Jack. So Hunter and I had a joke because all those Ultra MAGA people called me a pedo; I’m no pedo, I was just sniffing!
“If you want to see a pedo, just say ‘hi’ to Hunter; he knows his way around all that–”
Biden was then cut off by Dr. Jill, who firmly grabbed him by the elbow and led him off the stage so that he couldn’t embarrass himself any further or otherwise implicate himself or his son in criminal activity.
Biden’s comments then led to more damage control efforts from the White House, which, after the speech, had to both counter Biden’s likely true explanation with a made up one that explained nothing and say that Biden was “just joking” and that “Hunter isn’t actually a pedophile”. The pictures leaked from his phone, however, tell a completely different story…one that you probably don’t want to see.