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REPORT: Kamala Furious Biden Released All the Weed Offenders She Spent Years Locking Up

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Recently, President Slow Joe Biden announced that all federal weed offenders would be released from prison, saying, in a Twitter thread:

    As I’ve said before, no one should be in jail just for using or possessing marijuana.

    Today, I’m taking steps to end our failed approach. Allow me to lay them out.

    First: I’m pardoning all prior federal offenses of simple marijuana possession. There are thousands of people who were previously convicted of simple possession who may be denied employment, housing, or educational opportunities as a result. My pardon will remove this burden.

    Second: I’m calling on governors to pardon simple state marijuana possession offenses. Just as no one should be in a federal prison solely for possessing marijuana, no one should be in a local jail or state prison for that reason, either.

    Third: We classify marijuana at the same level as heroin – and more serious than fentanyl. It makes no sense. I’m asking @SecBecerra and the Attorney General to initiate the process of reviewing how marijuana is scheduled under federal law.

    I’d also like to note that as federal and state regulations change, we still need important limitations on trafficking, marketing, and underage sales of marijuana.

    Sending people to jail for possessing marijuana has upended too many lives – for conduct that is legal in many states. That’s before you address the clear racial disparities around prosecution and conviction. Today, we begin to right these wrongs.

    Later, a senior administration official appeared for the White House Press Briefing on the subject and made much the same points, claiming that the administration would be helping minorities by wiping away the stain of their federal felonies.

    Problem is, not everyone in the White House is happy about the new policy.

    “Dr.” Jill Biden, for example, is reportedly telling people that she is “worried Hunter might try drugs if he thinks smoking the jazz cabbage isn’t so serious.” She apparently hasn’t yet found out what his laptop showed him to have been up to.

    Vice President Kamala Harris is furious too, as the Biden announcement means that all those low-level weed offenders she spent years hunting down and locking up with a passion never again seen in her are going to be sprung from jail. She’ll have wasted years of her life locking people up for a crime they’ll now be pardoned for!

    And so Kamala is reportedly furious, pacing around the White House and wondering both what she should have spent her time doing and if there is any way she can convince Joe to rescind the new pardon idea so that it won’t look like she wasted her time and Democrats won’t be able to bludgeon her with that during the next presidential primary.

    Joe, who didn’t even know he made that announcement, was too busy watching Matlock reruns to answer her pleas for help.

    By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Facebook and Subscribe to My Email List

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