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Kevin McCarthy Switches Parties, Joins “the Squad”

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    It was a strange and stressful, if not entirely unexpected, day at the RNC building in DC: House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy finally took the fateful step of going with his true inclinations and dropping his Republican affiliation to join up with the Democrats.

    Announcing the move in a statement shortly after changing parties, flanked by friends and “principled conservatives” Liz Cheney and Mitch McConnell, both of whom promised to still “work with” Mccarthy on “bipartisan issues,” McCarthy had this to say about his decision:

    Friends, thank you for coming today, I’ll be quick so that we can all make it to lunch on time.

    “The rumors are true, I’ve switched parties and am no longer living a lie. After those phone calls were leaked where I could be heard saying that I wanted Big Tech to censor fellow conservatives and that Trump should step down, I realized that I needed to take more control over my life and sign up with the party that really reflects my views.

    “So I did so. I’m a Democrat now. Fortunately, my positions won’t need to change, I can just be more open about them. I think conservatives should be censored. I think the bad orange man is a bad orange man. I detest those that voted for me when I was in the GOP. I mean, hell, I’m from California. What’d you expect?

    “I will, of course, be resigning all my positions within the GOP and will now be joining whatever leadership groups I am able in the Democratic caucus and look forward to serving our certainly not senile president, Joe Biden, in whatever ways are possible. Thank you for your time and understanding, let’s build back better together!

    He then proceeded to get falafel with AOC and Rep. Ilhan Omar, both of whom welcomed him into “The Squad” as the token white guy, saying that they found his views and position to be more important than his skin color.  AOC, discussing the newest Squad member, said:

    Like, of course he’s welcome. I know we’ve had our issues in the past, but he said things that even I wouldn’t say in his calls to censor the conservative members of the GOP, kick them off social media, and get Trump out of office!

    “I know he’s white, which isn’t great, and is a non-trans man, which also isn’t ideal, but he’s obviously on our team. So I’ll stand with him in this party transition and encourage you to do the same.

    Trump, posting about the turncoat on Truth Social, said “I always knew he was a loser, but it turns out that snake is worse than Benedict Arnold! No more RINOs, let’s get Gaetz to the top!” in what was likely a call to make rock-ribbed conservative Matt Gaetz the Speaker of the House if and when the GOP takes it back in November. Gaetz could not be reached for comment.

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