NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre was excited to announce on Tuesday that Finland was a new member of NATO and that, because of its new, close ties to the United States, it would be required to pass “progressive and forward-thinking” laws that would “show its commitment to diversity and democratic values.” Specifically, she announced that Finland would have to import millions of African migrants and pass new gay rights laws.
She began by warmly welcoming Finland into NATO, saying:
“Today, President Biden released a statement welcoming Finland as NATO’s 31st Ally. This is a historic day for the NATO Alliance, and it comes on the 74th anniversary of NATO’s founding. Welcoming Finland to NATO has been a priority for the President. He has been actively engaged throughout this process, hosting Finland’s president here at the White House several times. The Senate acted in near-record time to advance the ratification process. And Finland’s ratification process, which took less than one year, is the fastest ratification process in NATO’s modern history. We also look forward to welcoming Sweden as a NATO member as soon as possible and encourage Turkey and Hungary to conclude their ratification process without delay. Both Finland and Sweden are strong democracies with highly capable militaries, who share our values and vision for the world.”
That’s when she got to brass tacks, saying:
“So, now that they’re welcomed into our pro-democracy alliance, it’s time the Finns show their commitment to democracy by passing some much-needed, progressive, and forward-thinking laws. Particularly, they need to show that they’re committed to democratic norms by passing pro-gay laws that make everything legal in Finland that’s legal in the US, whether that be gay marriage, gender affirming surgery for trans individuals of any age, and drag queen story hour for every public school.
“Further, they need to show that they recognize that diversity is a key aspect of democratic norms by welcoming in migrants from the global south, particularly Africa. There are, for example, over 2 million migrants waiting in Eritrea for safe passage to Finland. We not only request, but demand, that Finland welcome in those 2 million migrants as a healthy step on its path toward full democracy.
“The racist Russians respect neither diversity nor the rights of LGBTQ+ individuals, so we need to fight back by doing the exact opposite. We welcome diversity. We welcome gay rights. We welcome progressive laws. And we will not stand for reactionary thought.”
Continuing, she then said “So, Finland, welcome into NATO and welcome to democratic norms. We’re sure you’ll get on board with them and show your commitment to democracy.”