NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things went about exactly how you would expect on Wednesday when President Slow Joe Brandon decided that now was the perfect time to start throwing threats Saudi Arabia’s way over the OPEC+ decision to cut the production of oil by a few million barrels a day.
Specifically, Biden said, in a speech delivered to a collection of Saudi Arabian diplomats and military officers, UAE dignitaries, and other, related, officials:
“What the heck, man? This 2 billion barrel cut is a heck of malarky, as is all that crap y’all are saying about why we shouldn’t make a deal with the nice fellows in Iran.
“I’ll tell you what, I’m sick and tired of your kvetching, and my Israeli backers are tired as hell of it too…”
At that point, the room erupted in laughter, with the Saudis slapping each other on the back, passing cash back and forth, and saying “I knew it, I knew he was an Israeli agent!” Gradually, their laughter and commentary died down as Biden stood on stage glowering, saying:
“Had enough laughing? It ain’t funny, Jack! Not one bit. None of this is. Heck, this is the strongest economy ever at any point in Earth’s long history, and–”
Once again laughter erupted, with the Saudis asking why the stock market was “falling faster than his [Biden’s] approval rating if the economy is so strong.” They also laughed about his continual use of “Jack” and poor wording choices.
As with the laughter outbreak moments before, it gradually died down as the delegates took sips of water and patted each other on the back while trying to get their breath back.
Biden then tried continuing his speech again, this time yelling that “no one will stand for” what the “mean men in the Middle East” are up to, promising “the toughest of sanctions and demands of diversity” if the Saudis didn’t change course and push OPEC to increase the number of barrels of oil pumped per day.
Predictably, they all started laughing again, this time at his incompetence and impotence rather than anything in particular that he said (though a number did snicker at his child-like use of “mean”).
The laughter refused to tail off, however, as the crowd started discussing Biden and America’s weakness in earnest. Biden, humiliated, was forced to leave the room, with some on his team leaking that he started bawling as soon as he was out of the room.
Hunter was then sent in to smooth things over, but that went about as badly as could be expected, as he was pushed out of the room after demanding cash from everyone in it.