NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Slow Joe Brandon, Resident in Chief of America and the jelly-brained dolt with the nuclear football, just decided that now’s the time to offer a deal and try to get back Brittney Griner, the WNBA “star” arrested by the Russkies when she tried to smuggle weed into the country.
Since the Russians aren’t woke and have decided to actually enforce their laws, Brittney the crackhead was locked up by Putler and shipped off to a hard labor camp where she can crush rocks while hiding from that scary American National Anthem she tried so hard to hide from when she was stuck in the states and not a guest of the Russian Federation.
But, despite her lack of patriotism, Biden and his coterie of idiots on insisting on getting the lesbian with a deep hatred of America back from the Russians that had done us the favor of removing her from our presence and the body politic.
And so Brandon offered to trade a valuable prisoner of America’s- the very scary “Cornpop”- some random black guy Brandon had the CIA take to a black site because he reminded him of the guy that tried to get in the pool when he was a lifeguard. Putler, however, decided to reject Brandon’s offer of a trade of Brittney Griner the weed smuggler for Cornpop the…random black guy from Baltimore.
Speaking about the incident to RT, the Russian state media outlet that Google has cracked down on in the wake of Russia’s invasion of the Ukraine, Putler said:
“No, we do not want this Cornpop. He does not sound like a valuable citizen. He would bring no benefit to the Russian Federation. He has no skills, no intelligence, not even any good genes to pass on! He is a misfortune for the American people to suffer, and so we in Holy Russia, the Third Rome of the Czars, will remain free of such problematic persons. Instead of Conrpop, we will remain ‘anti-Cornpop’ and not have to deal with such a person.”
Biden declared Putin’s strongly worded rejection of Cornpop “racist” saying, “how could anyone not want a valuable situation such as Cornpop? He’s only committed 17 crimes…per year…for the past 30 years. He’s a valuable dude! He knows the street, speaks a very interest and valuable variation of English, and is very fun to be around! Plus Hunter tells me that he can roll a great joint and really knows how to make crack fun to smoke. He’s the sort of person Russia needs within its borders rather than ours, that’s for sure.”