NOTE: Other than the USMC tweet, the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The Marines, looking back at the war in Afghanistan, disaster in Iraq, hellhole that was Syria, catastrophe in Yemen, and utter US failure in the Philippines and, after weeks of wargaming and months of research, realized what they had done wrong: they hadn’t been gay enough. So, seeking to correct that to deter Putler and Xi, they posted this:
Throughout June, the USMC takes #Pride in recognizing and honoring the contributions of our LGBTQ service members. We remain committed to fostering an environment free from discrimination, and defend the values of treating all equally, with dignity and respect.#PrideMonth #USMC pic.twitter.com/MOyvFmyJiB
— U.S. Marines (@USMC) June 1, 2022
That’ll teach ’em! Word has it that China’s Xi immediately called off his Taiwanese invasion plans, retreated to the deepest, securest nuclear bunker in China, and prepared to be overthrown by a massive tide of American super-soldiers after he saw the tweet and realized just how seriously the US military is taking warfighting.
Similarly, Putin, after catching a single glimpse of the tweet, lost his nerve and ordered Russia’s armed forces to cease all operations, do a complete 180, and bolt as fast as they could while he hid out at an undisclosed location in Syria, also fearing a fight with the super-serious American warfighters and their rainbow bullets.
But, alas, it wasn’t enough. While Putin and Xi have ready access to the internet, some of our enemies are a bit more backwards and do not. They, unable to see the tweet and thus unable to see just how scary and serious modern American soldiers are, figured it was just business as usual and readied themselves to fight a convoy of US troops in Syria on Wednesday morning, confident that they could defeat the same military that lost to a few guys stuck in the Dark Ages in Afghanistan.
Al-Maujin bin Salaf, a Bedouin tribesman who happened to be sitting on a nearby hilltop, described what happened next:
“Well, I was just sitting there with my camels, preparing to unroll the tent after a long day of travelling, which can be tiring when you must constantly watch for landmines and unexploded ordinance.
“Then I saw a cloud of dust and using a pair of binoculars, looked toward it. I saw what looked like a normal convoy of 5 or so US armored vehicles, but with rainbow flags flying from them rather than the normal flag. I was confused what Eastern Syria has to do with the flood of Moses, it’s quite dry here you know, but figured it was just Americans being Americans and went about my business.
“The vehicles got closer and, to my surprise, I noticed there were no guns in the turrets. Only some guy standing there with a book. Confused, I kept watching, so I saw the Quds Force soldiers and their Hezbollah allies ambush the column. The Americans, strangely, didn’t even fight back. They just ran at the Hezbollah fighters while holding the books in front of them. It was very weird.
“Curious, I wandered down to the field of battle later and found the books, which were called The Joys of Gayness. I do not understand why they were carrying those rather than rifles, they were obviously ineffective.”
America was confused too and demanded answers as to why dozens of Marines were dead in Eastern Syria. General Milley, commenting on the matter, said:
“Stop complaining, homophobes! We were trying out a new tactic meant to emphasize and capitalize upon our wonderful diversity and it nearly worked. Things like this are just the new normal for the woke military.”