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Mayor “I Love Trains” Pete Confused about What to Do with Train after Lying on Resume

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Back when Mayor Pete was appointed to be Transportation Secretary, he justified his appointment to the position by saying that he had loved trains ever since he was a little kid. Watch that here:

    NPR, gushing over Mayor Pete’s love of transportation, said, on its Twitter account “Pete Buttigieg, President-elect Biden’s pick for transportation secretary, said he has ‘a personal love of transportation,’ recounting train trips on Amtrak while in college, and said he proposed to his now-husband, Chasten, in an airport terminal.

    The Daily Wire’s Matt Walsh ridiculed that response quite funnily, saying:

    So there’s that. Mayor Pete loves trains.

    Well, this week he had the test to put that childish fascination to good use, as there have been three major train accidents, one of which involved spilling vinyl chloride (a very nasty chemical) that authorities then lit on fire, turning it into phosgene gas, one of the nastier gases used during the First World War.

    But, despite having loved trains from a young age, Mayor Pete has not been able to get the situation under control. Instead, as casualties have mounted and things continue to get far, far worse for the region and the people in it thanks to corporate greed, government incompetence, and bad luck, Mayor Pete has done nothing. He hasn’t visited the area, hasn’t directed supplies its way, hasn’t done much at all in the way of fortifying America’s railways so that other towns don’t start looking like Verdun circa 1916.

    Why? Well, shocker, it turns out he lied on his resume. Speaking to CNN in a telling interview, he said, “well, trains used to be a fascination…but then I learned that they, like highways, were used to perpetuate racism. Hence the phrase “the wrong side of the tracks.” So really I don’t like trains that much, that was all just a bit of puffery. Really I’m more of an airplane guy..unless those are racist too…or something happens where I’m expected to deal with them. Then bicycles are my thing. Nothing ever requires me to be involved with bicycles.”

    Meanwhile, thousands of acres of prime American farmland are being destroyed by acid rain caused by the incident, untold millions of Americans are ingesting phosgene-contaminated water, and animals for tens of miles around the site of the incident are dropping dead. Thanks, Pete!

    By: Will Tanner. Follow me on Twitter @Will_Tanner_1

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