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McConnell Struggles to Explain How Giving Dems Everything They Want Is a Conservative Victory

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The Following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Do you think that “conservative victory” should mean that conservatives actually, well, win? That would be reasonable to most people, but, unfortunately, it’s not what the GOP’s Senate leadership thinks. To them, namely RINO leader Mitch McConnell, “victory” means getting invited to this season’s hottest cocktail parties on the Beltway socialite circuit.

    Getting invited to those as a Republican is difficult, given that pretty much everyone in DC is a flaming liberal that thinks everything from state paid for gender transition surgery for minors to shipping billions to the Ukraine is not just reasonable, but necessary for the survival of “our democracy”. So Marjorie Taylor Greene, Rand Paul, and similarly conservative members of the legislature don’t get invited to the season’s hot parties.

    But, as Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, and like RINO swamp dwellers have learned, getting an invitation isn’t impossible. To get one, all they have to do is play nice with Democrats by backing down on literally every issue of importance to GOP voters.

    Gay marriage? Gotta vote for it. Funding the national security state so that it can prey on and attack conservatives? Need to vote for that too. An omnibus bill that gives Democrats everything and Republicans everything? Gotta mash that green button and clap for “our democracy”.

    So that’s what McConnell and Co. have done. Though they occasionally talk tough or vow to fight on issues that no one cares about, they always hit the green button if it means getting to have a cocktail at the house of note that night. That’s just how DC politics work for socialities, social ladder climbers, and the striver class.

    But now McConnell is being called on to explain what they’ve been up to and answer for their complete abandonment of GOP voters and their priorities so that they can party with people that hate them from time to time. And he’s having trouble doing so.

    Shortly after the speech in which he said that giving Ukraine billions of dollars is the most important issue for Republicans, a speech that was not received with enthusiasm by the GOP base, McConnell tried to rally the voters again by giving another speech. In that one, he declared that backing down to Democrats was “the conservative thing to do and the action that all real conservatives should support” because the items in the bill would help “keep our democracy functioning” and “being conservative means wanting to keep the current system going.”


    McConnell was then asked how spending millions on gender theory in Pakistan and billions on sex change operations for US Army soldiers is “conservative”. He had trouble answering that question, so he called the journalist who asked it a “racist” and said that “there’s no room for racism or anti-Semitism in the GOP.”

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