NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
“This will not be my campaign. This will be our campaign altogether.”
“Together we will be taking on the most corrupt forces and entrenched interests imaginable. Our country is in a horrible state.”
“We’re in grave trouble. This is not a task for a politician or a conventional candidate is a task for a great movement that embodies the courage confidence and the spirit of the American. This is a movement this is not for any one individual. This is a job for 10s of millions of proud people working together from all across the land and from all walks of life young and old, black and white, Hispanic and Asian, many of whom were brought together for the very, very first time.”
“Because the only force strong enough to defeat the massive corruption we are up against is you, the American people. It’s true. The American people, the greatest people on Earth, we love them all. And we love both sides. We’re going to bring people together.”
Many MAGA Republicans were super excited at the announcement, glad to see that their favorite president and political leader would be re-entering the arena and ready to start fighting back against the radical left to save America.
But while GOP voters were, for the most part, pleased with the Trump announcement, Mitch McConnell and the other Establishment GOP hacks were not. Rather, they lost their cool completely after Trump made his announcement.
Holding a presser of their own, the Conservative, Inc. hacks, namely Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Mike Pence, and George W. Bush, ripped into Trump and said that they’d be devoting all of their energy and resources toward fighting him.
Mitch McConnell, for instance, said:
“Trump and those radicals that support him want you to think that the Democrats are the real enemy. They want you to hate the left and demand that we fight back against it.
“Sure, we disagree with the Democrats. But Trump is the real enemy. He’s the one that we really need to fight back against and try to take down. He’s the one who attacked our sacred democracy on January 6th and dared to defy many experts in democracy and norms. He’s the one who wants to really change things, not the Democrats.
“So we will not be fighting the Democrats, much as we might disagree with them on some issues. Rather, we’ll be fighting the real enemy of our democracy: Donald J. Trump!”
All seven, drunk suburban moms in attendance did polite golf claps and then went back to greedily scarfing down cucumber sandwiches.