NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Though most people are furious about the sky-high gas prices and angry at Biden for letting prices get so high under his watch, with his presidency already seeming like it has gone on for far longer than a year and a half, there’s one demographic that, for this weekend, is not only okay with the high gas prices, but anxiously eyeing the tickers and hoping they go higher.
That demographic is parents with kids under ten, all of whom are worried they might have to travel to the beach, lake, pool, or even a friend’s BBQ on July 4th and get sunburned sitting in the sweltering summer sun while listening to their kids whine about the heat.
Tampa-area dad Bryce Williams, speaking about the situation, had this to say:
“Look, I’m as patriotic as the next guy. I love eagles, have a flag waving from my front porch, and stand up with my hat off and hand on my heart for the national anthem. I’m no America hater.
“But, man, I’m really hoping the gas prices get higher so I have an excuse to not drive to the beach or something on the Fourth. Like what’s wrong with celebrating at home, with AC, inside on the Fourth of July? Why does everyone want to get sunburned having a lukewarm Coors Light on the dock at some muddy lake or packed beach on the hottest day of the year? It’s just horrible.
“So yeah, a few cents more and we’ll be good to go. I’ll have my excuse and I won’t have to ruin the day getting burnt to a crisp while listening to my kids complain or whatever. It’ll be way better.”
Other parents disagreed, however. Another Tampa-area parent, Michelle Steyler, said:
“I mean, I get Bryce’s point that it’s too hot out to sit in the sun all day. But that’s what an umbrella is for. Just sit in the shade and keep an eye on your kids. If you put your beers in a Yeti cooler, they won’t get too warm and it’ll all work out. And if you pretend to be asleep, you might not have to deal with your kids when they start complaining. Better yet, they’ll get distracted building a sand castle or something and won’t complain until they feel the sunburn on the ride home.”
The debate has split the community, though it eventually petered out once the parties involved remembered that they were celebrating “Independence Day”, and thus that they were perfectly free to do whatever they wanted, particularly since they were in the great state of Florida where Dr. Fauci hasn’t been relevant for years, if at all.