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New FBI Study Claims “Vehicles” and “Guns” Responsible for Terror Attacks Unless White Men are the Ones Using Them

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    The Federal Bureau of Investigation, ever the bagman for leftist claims about what’s really responsible for the bad things that happen, recently published a study that makes some shocking claims about responsibility for terror attacks, in the definition of which it included mass shootings.

    Discussing those “findings” in its “neutral report on the responsibility for terror attacks”, the FBI had this to say:

    Terror attacks, though perhaps sometimes similar on their faces, can be the responsibility of very different people or things. 

    “For instance, both whites and BIPOCs occasionally are involved in the mass shootings that so shock the conscience. What we have found, however, is that the responsibility for those attacks diverges. 

    “In the case of a white man doing the shooting, such as we recently saw in Buffalo, New York, that white man is certainly responsible for the attack and white supremacy, toxic masculinity, etc. must be blamed for it. That’s because white people are naturally evil.

    “In other cases, however, it is the tool of the crime that is itself to blame. Those cases come about when it is a BIPOC that was involved in the crime, such as when a self-described black nationalist, Frank James, shot up a New York subway, or when a similarly minded BIPOC drove a car into a crowd of white people, or when, as we’ve seen in Europe, Muslims angered by Islamophobia are involved in cars crashing into crowds of ethnic Europeans.

    “In those cases, it is the guns and cars that are to blame, hence why it is correct for news outlets to say, for example, that a “car crashed into a crowd in Germany”, rather than that an al-Quaeda affiliated refugee plowed a vehicle into the citizens of the country that rescued him.

    “Though that might be confusing to some racists, it makes complete sense when you take past incidents of racism and the historical oppression of BIPOCs into account.

    The report was widely attacked by the right but defended by the left, with President Biden even going so far as to say that it represented a “renunciation of white supremacy by the agency that spied on Martin Luther King Jr.” and that “further research into the phenomenon of cars crashing into crowds and guns shooting up white crowds” would be necessary so that America could determine why “guns and cars would frame BIPOCs for such horrific crimes.”

    Donald Trump Jr., however, fired back and skewered the report by posting a meme on Twitter that showed an SUV crashing into a crowd of people with a caption saying “racist GPS frames black nationalist for killing white people.” He was suspended from Twitter for 48 hours for posting that meme.

    Another anonymous Twitter account was suspended for pointing out that the report was itself racist in that it took agency away from BIPOCs, with Twitter claiming the suspension was necessary because the tweet was tongue in cheek and thus not really in defense of “people of color.”

    By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of GenZConservative.com. Follow me on Parler and Gettr.

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