NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden’s back to speaking in public after they kept him far out of the public eye on 9/11, and he’s already back to making mistakes and sounding like a trainwreck. Now he’s rambling about the terrible deal his administration struck with Iran, which was to pay $6 billion dollars for five hostages held by Iran. He said:
Today, five innocent Americans who were imprisoned in Iran are finally coming home. Siamak Namazi, Morad Tahbaz, Emad Sharghi, and two citizens who wish to remain private will soon be reunited with their loved ones—after enduring years of agony, uncertainty, and suffering. I am grateful to our partners at home and abroad for their tireless efforts to help us achieve this outcome, including the Governments of Qatar, Oman, Switzerland, and South Korea.
As we celebrate the return of these Americans, we also remember those who did not return. I call on the Iranian regime to give a full account of what happened to Bob Levinson. The Levinson family deserves answers. Today, we are sanctioning former President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Iranian Ministry of Intelligence under the Levinson Act for their involvement in wrongful detentions. And, we will continue to impose costs on Iran for their provocative actions in the region.
And as we welcome home our fellow citizens, I once more remind all Americans of the serious risks of traveling to Iran. American passport holders should not travel there. The U.S. State Department has a longstanding travel warning that states: “Do not travel to Iran due to the risk of kidnapping and the arbitrary arrest and detention of U.S. citizens.” All Americans should heed those words and have no expectation that their release can be secured if they do not.
Reuniting wrongfully detained Americans with their loved ones has been a priority for my Administration since day one. We have now brought home dozens of our fellow citizens, including from Afghanistan, Burma, Haiti, Russia, Rwanda, Venezuela, West Africa, and more locations globally. Still, too many remain unjustly held in Russia, Venezuela, Syria, and elsewhere around the world. We remain unflinching in our efforts to keep faith with them and their families—and we will not stop working until we bring home every American held hostage or wrongfully detained.
Continuing, he added, “Look, I know that the extreme MAGA Republicans will attack me for rescuing Americans, but this deal was a big success, Jack! We won! All we had to do was pay a billion…well, one point uhhh, one point two billion, per person for it. That ain’t a big deal! This is America! We got plenty of money for it. Not that anyone should take Americans hostage. But it ain’t a big deal. We won!”
Shortly after Biden’s idiotic speech, 98 Americans around the world were immediately taken hostage and hundreds more are missing presumed abducted, with the terrorists demanding a billion dollars or more per hostage, “just like Iran got,” as one terrorist put it.