Note: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.
With the Biden family finances hurt by Hunter Biden’s inability to sell any of his mediocre paintings now that Joe isn’t all that popular and his impotence as a president has been discovered, Biden decided to take a major step and make “the smartest guy” he knows, Hunter, drug czar. He also seemed a bit confused over what the position would entail. Here’s how he began his statement on the decision (we did our best with the transcript, some of his words were indecipherable):
“As many of you know, the war on drugs has been fought for a lkjjlkdfjs and burgers and stuff, you know. Ain’t that right, Jack?”
At that point, Biden chuckled and turned to his right, but there was no one there. Trying to take a sip of water and spilling it all over himself, he continued on with the announcement, saying:
“So, to finally wrap this thing up like we wrapped up that invasion in Kazakhstan, know what I mean, we’re gonna put the smartest guy I know, my son, Archer, well..ummm…err, Hunter, yeah, Hunter, in charge. The big guy’s giving him another job, as it were.”
At that point, a staffer in a heroin-needle costume tried distracting him by jumping around, but Biden was undeterred and continued with his speech, swatting away the needle-costumed staffer in what Psaki, in a statement about the display later, was an example of “how one should say no to drugs.”
So, free of the meddling staffer’s attempt to rescue him, Biden continued on with the announcement:
“Now I’ve said this before and I’ll say it twice, Hunter’s bright, Jack! And guess what? (At this point, the president switched to a whisper) Hunter has more experience with these drugs than anyone. Fentanyl, coke, heroin, weed, crack, he’s done it! He knows what he’s talking about and will do an excellent job in this position, testing all the drugs. He knows what’s right. Like Peter the…the guy but with blow rather than dragons. Now that’s exciting.”
Biden then waved at the needle and wandered off stage as the needle and other staffers chased after him.
Stunned by the “testing all the drugs” part, reporters at the event tried asking Psaki whether Biden was paying Hunter to take drugs or if his statement meant something else, to which Psaki responded by telling reporters to stop mocking Joe’s childhood stutter. She refused to elaborate further.
Speaking on why Joe put Hunter in charge, an anonymous source said “Dr.” Jill pushed the decision after her credit card was rejected when she was trying to order a white doctor’s jacket on Amazon, saying the family’s coffers needed a refill. She seemed convinced that “drug czar” meant that Hunter would be a Russian drug oligarch and both she and Biden got confused when a staffer explained that “drug czar” simply meant Hunter would be in charge of coordinating drug policy, which might explain Biden’s attempt to reference “Peter the Great.”
Giving credence to the idea that Hunter was hired to use drugs, an ambulance roared up to the White House a mere 30 minutes after Hunter’s appointment and roared away with someone who looked suspiciously like Hunter prostrate in the back. Psaki said he “overworked himself” during a press conference later in the day but refused to answer when Peter Doocy asked if Elvis also died from “overworking himself”. She also refused to answer when asked if Kamala would have prosecuted Hunter during her days in LA.