Note: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.
Team Biden was furious to discover on Thursday, April 21st that it would have to evacuate the White House ASAP because Hunter, in a crack-induced stupor, had sold it to Red China as a way of making up for all the back taxes he’s had to pay as part of an FBI investigation into his business activities.
Apparently, Hunter, needing to make a quick buck, offered to sell the building and all its “miscellaneous contents” to Xi Jinping’s family and convinced the various officials on the US side to sign onto the transaction by threatening that he’d tell his dad they were in the Easter bunny costume and were the ones who startled him if they did not go along with his plan.
Hunter was also convinced that the Chinese would just treat it as another bribe for getting close to Joe and told the officials as much, something that helped him cajole and convince them into signing aboard.
Scared to death of what Slow Joe might do if he thought they were the Easter bunny, they went along with it. Xi, shortly after picking up the bargain, insisted on fulfillment of the contractual terms, demanding that his wife and certain senior PLA officials be allowed to move into what used to be the Executive Mansion but will now be called the “People’s Palace and Center for Sino-US Dialogue and Friendship.”
Despite the enormity of the public relations coup won with the purchase, Xi and the PLA officials are reportedly upset by the number of Chinese takeout calls they’ve received and the number of Uber Eats drivers that have arrived. Trump, upon hearing about the sale, apparently listed the White House as “Joe and Xi’s Egg Roll Palace” on Google. When that didn’t get enough attention, he renamed it “Emerald China Restaurant,” a name realistic enough that it’s been bombarded by hungry DC residents.
Meanwhile, too busy moving out to notice Trump’s antics, Team Biden has been forced to relocate to the Watergate complex, where Joe is reportedly upset with the loss of his “secret nap room,” by which he means the nuclear bunker underneath the White House.
While the Biden Admin “forgot” to remove famous pieces of art from the building, they did manage to rescue each and every rainbow flag that Biden had put up, along with the famous bust of MLK. Everything else was left behind, including many computers that staffers didn’t even bother logging out of. Anonymous intelligence officials called that a “major intelligence and propaganda victory” for the communist Chinese, but it was one that apparently couldn’t be avoided because of how a Chinese court construed the terms of the contract Hunter signed, which also included a provision that all disputes be heard in Chinese courts.
Psaki, defending Hunter in a press conference, said that “the building was racist anyway because it was built by slaves.” Other than that, little has been heard from Team Biden, but the FBI investigation into Hunter has been closed because he used the funds to pay his taxes.