NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things continue to look worse and worse, or at least more and more awkward, for Team Biden. Not only has the Griner release been more of an anti-Biden than pro-Biden talking point as of late, but then the cross-dressing puppy fetishist he put in charge of nuclear waste disposal decided to start stealing luggage…and got caught. On camera. In multiple cities. And is being charged.
So not a great look for a regime already struggling to manage the dual burden of record high inflation and a seriously pissed off populace. Who wants their luxury luggage stolen by some weirdo who likes having sex in a dog mask?
In any case, Biden decided to mix things up and try to make some new friends to replace the many he recently lost by going on a hand shaking tour around the country and meeting the many people who are having to live under his despotic regime.
It didn’t go well, as could have been predicted given that Biden is senile, ornery, and about as fun to be around as a pissed off bobcat. Biden didn’t want to shake hands because of “germs” and it being his “bedtime” (it was four in the afternoon), refused to eat anything at the luncheons and galas prepared for him other than peanut butter sandwiches or vanilla pudding on top of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles (ice cream stains ruined no fewer than 12 of his tuxedo shirts), and he kept bickering with Dr. Jill the entire trip. The staff was unhappy, the Biden family was unhappy, and the country was unimpressed.
But then things got even more awkward and took a turn for the even worse when Biden, during a photo op session in Tuscon, grabbed a young boy’s ice cream cone and started licking it. The boy thought it was a joke but then started crying when Biden wouldn’t give it back. Biden, who obviously couldn’t care less about the boy’s wailing cries, walked off with the ice cream cone and refused to even buy the boy a new one, saying that the cone he had just finished eating was “a gift from that young man”.
Dr. Jill eventually intervened and bought the boy two ice cream cones, but the photos and videos of the boy crying as Biden ate his ice cream made some excellent memes and were used to really take a hammer to Brandon.
The Biden White House refused to comment directly on the matter, though news leaked from 1600 Penn that many staffers were “uncomfortable” with the President’s recent behavior and hoped that he got his act together before it was too late.