NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden has long harbored particular enmity against Cornpop, the “bad dude” who threatened him while he was lifeguarding at a Delaware pool as a young man, forcing Biden to confront him with a chain while he wielded a cutthroat razor. Or, at least, that’s the story Biden told while discussing how young black children liked to feel the hair on his legs…
Anyway, Biden recently let it slip that his recently declared war on menthol cigarettes, which he hopes to ban, is not based primarily on the “public health” grounds that he claims it is.
Rather, the move against menthol cigarettes occurred because of Biden’s deep, inveterate hatred of “Cornpop”, who he has continued to view as an enemy since that embarrassing, stressful day all those years ago.
At least, that’s what Biden said when mumbling about his decision to a reporter in a brief statement given to the press while doing a photo op at an ice cream parlor near the White House.
Speaking on the decision, Biden, licking a cone of Neopolitan ice cream as he did so in order to show “solidarity between the white, black, and red man” in a statement attacked by some as both racist and sexist, Biden said:
“Well lookie here, Jack: I ain’t no fan of Cornpop! He was a bad dude, what with that cutthroat razor and evil grin! He was like Putin, but darker than night if ya know what I mean.
“But look who’s president now. It ain’t Cornpop or that dog-faced pony solider, it’s Joe Biden from Scranton and it’s high time I claim my revenge.
“But I ain’t no dictator, Jack, not like the mean pumpkin that I beat. Nope, I’m nice and calm, ya know? So instead of a nuclear strike on Cornpop’s trailer…yeah, we found where he lives. Took the CIA a month. Anyway, so instead of that, we’re just banning menthols.
“People like Cornpop love menthol cigarettes, you seem ’em smoking those things all the darn time, so I’m makin Cornpop mad by plucking the cig from his mouth. But I won’t be smoking it now either, ain’t that right, Jack?”
Firing off a tweet after the Biden comment was televised, the NAACP turned on Biden, saying that it did not appreciate his continued use of racial stereotypes when referring to “young scholars” and “traditionally undervalued citizens” such as Cornpop, noting that it was particularly egregious that Biden was “perpetuating the stereotype of black men as cigarette smokers.”
Biden brushed of the criticism, saying that “those jokers”, by which he mean the NAACP spokespeople and lawyers “were just mad [he] took their cigarettes.”
That spawned another bout of outrage, following which Biden remained silent, likely at the behest of “Dr.” Jill.