NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
With Hunter Biden finally somewhat out of the news thanks to the cocaine in the West Wing story finally dying down, Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre decided to kick the press briefing off by attacking Republicans for not being willing to hand over the military to outright communists and then for lauding the Biden Administration’s response to cybersecurity…at which point the briefing was hacked.
KJP, droning on and on about their cybersecurity plans and how they plan to keep Americans safe from hackers, said:
And finally, I’m excited to share with all of you the latest action under President Biden’s leadership to protect American consumers. Today, in partnership with the FCC, we’re launching a cybersecurity certification and labeling program, the U.S. Cyber Trust Mark, to help Americans more easily choose smart devices that are safer and less vulnerable to cyberattacks. We’ve all heard concerns about the security of wireless devices. This new program will help give Americans greater peace of mind that the devices they’re bringing into their homes, classrooms, or workplaces are safe — safer and more secure.
Already, 19 leading manufacturers and retailers, including Amazon, Best Buy, Google, Samsung, Logitech, and more have — have announced their support for the program. In 2024, the program will be up and running. And soon after, Americans will be able to look for the Cyber Trust Mark’s distinct shield — just like the logo on the screens behind me — across common household devices, such as baby monitors, home security cameras, fitness trackers, and smart TVs and refrigerators of all price ranges.
The logo will indicate to Americans shopping online or in stores the device they’re buying meets the U.S. government’s cybersecurity requirements and is less vulnerable to cyberattacks. This is another key step by the Biden administration to ease the concerns of hardworking families, from cracking down on hidden junk fees to strengthening cyber protections and protecting the privacy of people in their own homes–
At that point, the lights flickered, the air conditioning cut out, and a laughing skull appeared on the press briefing TV behind KJP, which normally just has an image of the presidential seal. The hackers were evidently Chinese, as the video the hackers brought up eventually transitioned from laughing skull to long, droll discussion of the so-called “nine-dash line” and China’s territorial claims in the South China Sea.
The White House eventually re-established control, first bringing the lights and AC back on and then eventually purging the hackers from the TV system. Once order was restored and the assembled journalists could ask questions, KJP called on Fox News Channel’s Peter Doocy. He asked, “So, Karine, I assume the White House doesn’t have one of those nifty logos on it? Or is the check for what passes the cybersecurity test a lower bar than you were suggesting?”
She glared at him but gave no response, other than to say that the “hackers had been defeated.”