NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things went poorly at a recent Biden rally when Biden, attempting to show his faith in the country and its support for him, tried to do a “trust fall” with the crowd of people listening to him speak.
Problem is, no one attends Biden rallies. They’re even more devoid of people than the work boot section of a shoe store during a looting. And what few people were there to listen were kept far away from the president by fearful Secret Service personnel and social distancing guidelines (yup, Brandon’s White House is still doing those).
And so Biden, after rambling incoherently about Cornpop’s war crimes in the Donbas and the need of sending Frosted Mini-Wheats to Ghana and the Ivory Coast (we have no idea where that came from), fell backward into the crowd he assumed was right at the edge of the stage like at a rock concert.
But it was a Biden rally. So nothing was there and Biden just fell to the ground. In fact, the only thing that saved him was that the Secret Service, worried he might wander off the stage and fall to the ground as he has done seven times previously, had installed air cushions on which he could fall rather than the hard ground.
So Biden fell on one of those and his fall was cushioned, though he didn’t get to go crowd surfing as Trump did at a recent rally in Oklahoma. Getting up off the ground and somehow finding his way back onstage and to the microphone, Biden, who had no idea what had happened and that his fall had been stopped by a big cushion rather than the crowd, got up and started yelling at the crowd for being “too weak” to let him crowd surf.
Shouting into the microphone about what he assumed was the crowd’s weakness, Biden said:
“Y’all should be able to lift me, Jack! I ain’t that heavy, certainly not as heavy as the orange man that says all those mean things about the smartest guy I know, Hunter! I can even do pushups! But heck, y’all almost let me fall to the ground like that Russian bike at the beach!
“And I’ll tell ya what, the guy I fell on was pretty soft. Felt pretty tubby. Y’all need to do a good bit more working out, like Trump’s kid. We gotta be stronger than the market if we’re gonna win this year, can’t be too weak to lift me up and so fat it feels like I’m falling on a pillow!”
Of course, he was falling on a pillow.
In any case, fat activists were outraged by Biden’s speech and lambasted it for being “fatphobic”, leading to the White House having to make numerous apologies.