NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It was a rough day at the White House after Slow Joe attempted giving a speech despite having only one teleprompter with extra-large text and seven rounds of morning stimulants so that he could stay awake for the full 20-minute event.
Having only had enough stimulant rounds to keep him awake and sentient for ten minutes, the first part of Biden’s speech went (relatively) well, with the president only mixing up the city he was in (Austin) with a relatively similar (to him) city, Madrid.
On that note, he also embarrassed himself and annoyed the left by saying “Good thing you got all those homeless off the streets. Saw on Twitter those guys are some bad hombres. Think they sold Hunter drugs once. Ain’t that right, Jack?”
He then turned to his right, laughing and shaking his head, but there was no one there so he had to force himself to get back on topic.
It was then that the stimulants started to wear off, with Biden quickly going downhill as his body was forced to rely on its own meager reserves of energy rather than whatever drugs that Dr. Feel Good gave him with his morning oatmeal and prune juice.
But Biden attempted to plow on regardless, ignoring the warning signs that he was about to veer off course dramatically.
So, suddenly cutting through the mental fog for a brief moment as the drugs wore off but before his energy crashed, he realized he was in Texas, not Madrid, and tried to bring in his knowledge of who all is living in Texas now, namely Elon Musk. But, because he was so out of it, he said what probably was the worst thing he could have said as a leftist: he defended free speech!
Speaking on that, Biden triggered the left and potentially doomed his 2024 run by saying:
“Here we are in the great state of Texas. Lots of horses and sunshine here. Gals love horses, sniff em! Ain’t that right? Like pennies.
“But hey, here’s the man with the rockets and batteries, like sci-fi, Jack! Elon, that’s right. He’s now got something else too, right? The bird with the mean people on it.
“You know, people say not great things about him, but I’m a fan. His is the American spirit, and free speech must be fought for, whatever those Nazis say! We gotta stand for values, American values! Don’t let anyone say otherwise!”
Furious about what Biden said, the left went absolutely apoplectic online, furious at the idea that Biden might be defending free speech rather than intentionally assaulting it under the guise of fighting misinformation.
An anonymous White House insider widely believed to be Kamala Harris, for example, reportedly told the New York Times “I just can’t believe he would assault black and brown people by normalizing hate speech! It’s like when he fought busing and tried to keep little girls like our absolutely amazing and perfect VP out of school and in the slums!”
Biden, reached for comment after the speech, was unable to comment, as he was asleep.