NOTE: This article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden, got in major trouble with Delaware state troopers on the weekend when he was pulled over for going 90 mph in a 45 mph zone.
The cop, not even bothering to glance at Hunter’s ID, which is where the problem began, yanked him from the high-end Tesla he was driving and carted him off to jail. Hunter, who had been busy smoking crack when the trooper pulled him over, was way too gone to bother demanding the cop let him go because of his status as the president’s son.
So, Hunter made it to jail, where he caught up with the friends he made while engaging in the various activities that were less than legal but bizarrely stored on his laptop; catching up with pimps, crack dealers, and even a Chinese businessman, Hunter gradually sobered up and realized where he was.
However, at that point, the police seriously doubted that the guy arrested for crack possession and who had rotted teeth from said crack was the president’s son (if only reporting on the laptop and info on it hadn’t been censored), so they refused to let him go or even look into the matter. It didn’t help that a similarly decrepit and gross looking homeless man was claiming to be a Russian oligarch.
Fortunately for Hunter, the businessman who had been arrested, a slick character who goes only by “Zhang”, was soon bailed out by Chinese Ministry of State Security agents who had been sent looking for him.
As the White House was used to Hunter’s antics and misdeeds, no one was yet looking for him, figuring he was just sprawled out on a ratty couch somewhere with a crack pipe wedged between his lips.
Zhang, however, always the savvy shark, picked up on the situation and convinced the MSS personnel to use their remaining cash to bail out Hunter. Shocked with disbelief that the character they were looking at was the president’s son, they initially refused, but a quick visit to the New York Post articles on him convinced them that they’d found their guy.
So, spending a bit of cash to win a huge favor with the White House, they used the cash to bail out Hunter, who was very thankful and promised to cut them in on a “big deal with the Big Guy.”
China cashed in near-immediately, using the incident as a way to pressure Biden into ending Trump-era sanctions on certain key industries. Hunter, who sobered up long enough to invest in a few key shipping and tech companies for his family, was well rewarded by Biden’s decision to play along, as was the rest of the Biden brood.
The cops who pulled over Hunter have since gone missing. As of the time of their disappearance, a traveling, Eastern European donation solicitor for the Clinton Foundation was seen approaching them, asking if he could talk to them privately.