NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
We all knew that Trump was a genius, but it turns out that he might be even smarter than we expected, more able to make attacks on him slide off him like water off a duck’s back.
What happened? Well, he apparently filled his safe not with the incriminating evidence that the FBI wanted or documents the National Archive was supposedly interested in that were the basis of the raid, but rather just pictures of Hunter Biden smoking crack.
Trump has so far refrained from commenting on that other than posting a picture of the headline and a picture of him smiling in a sneaky, mischievous way.
Fox News Channel’s Tucker Carlson, however, came back early from vacation to talk about what’s going on, citing a whisteblower report he claimed to have received last month and saying:
“Folks, here’s what happened: the former President is even better at 4D chess than we thought he was and just trolled federal law enforcement in what might be the funniest thing that’s yet happened to those jackbooted goons.
“So they broke into his house, tore through his things and humiliated his wife by tossing her underwear all about, and, as Trump put it in that statement he put out, ‘even broke into his safe.”
“Well, while initial reports indicated that it was just a sweet collection of 80s action movies that filled the safe, which would have been funny too, it turns out that Trump had emptied it of those about a week before the raid. And what did he fill up with?
“Pictures of Hunter Biden, of course! He apparently had some underling, poor soul, go through the hard drive and download every picture of Hunter doing illegal things on it and then print them out in full color…thank God Trump’s a billionaire and could spend that much on ink…and fill up the safe with those pictures and a copy of the hard drive.
“Apparently he even included a note on top of them saying ‘If you want to find something illegal to investigate, here’s plenty of criminality to dig into.’
“The FBI brought it back to the office, not really knowing what he had left in there, and found that they were mainly staring at pictures of a naked Hunter Biden smoking crack. It then promptly disposed of the pictures and hard drive without looking into them. Because of course they did. The bad orange man is a threat to ‘our democracy’ in their view. Hunter? He’s just a loser not worth investigating. They wouldn’t want to make Joe look bad, after all.”
The FBI refused to comment on the matter, though a few agents looked visibly sick when leaving the building, presumably because of the number of pictures of Hunter Biden’s naked body they had to sort through.