NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Nancy Pelosi is flying back to Taiwan, turning her jet around and preparing to once again land on the embattled island in an ostensible effort to “signal American support” for…something, as neither she nor Brandon and his team will back Taiwanese independence.
However, it turns out that signaling “American support” for some vague idea regarding Taiwan isn’t the real goal of her trip. Rather, it’s to tank the market enough that she and her husband get a massive payday from short trades he put in before the trip was announced.
Nancy freely admitted that after 17 vodka sodas on the long flight back from Guam to Taiwan, saying:
“Look, Paul, that f***ing drunk, bought a whole lot of shorts on the American stock market before I finally let it be known that I’d be going to that island…Taiwan or whatever.
“Frankly, I was hoping the market would just tank immediately and we could take our payday without my actually having to go there, as I really didn’t want to. Their food is gross, the vodka options on the island are limited, I sure don’t want to risk my life angering China. Heck, I don’t even want to anger China! Paul has lots of investments there.
“So we were hoping it would just tank the market, I could cancel the trip during the uproar over the market, and he could make a ton of money for us to have. Well that didn’t happen.
“Instead I actually had to visit! I had to go to that godforsaken place, though I did get some stock info about TSMC, their chip company. Anyway, anyway, the market didn’t even tank enough then to really make the trade with it! What horse sh**!
“So Paul called me up from prison and said I had to turn the plane around and like get the Chinese to launch a missile or something to really rattle markets, so we’re headed on back and are planning on just diving at Chinese ships until they like shoot at us or whatever. We’ll see what happens, everyone is pretty drunk.
“But if we can just get things to fall like 20%, maybe if like nuclear forces are readied or whatever, then that’d be great. We’d make enough to build a nice house at the vineyard so that Paul doesn’t have to drive drunk anymore, which would be an obvious plus.”
Pelosi then promptly passed out after finishing two more vodka sodas, drinks she tossed back in mere moments as the flight attendant looked on worried.
War with China was averted and the stock tumble avoided, however, as the Chinese saw the interview and drew down their troops rather than risk war over her greed. Paul’s investments were promptly given the boot by a vengeful CCP furious at his helping Nancy risk war over money.