NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The US government, or at least the executive branch of it, ground to a screeching halt on Friday when President Joe Biden decided to take a nap.
Problem was, he decided to nap not in a bedroom or his favorite nap spot — the nuclear bunker underneath the White House — but rather in a small closet at the opposite end of where he normally spends his days, watching reruns and eating oatmeal in between naps.
As a result, it took the Secret Service agents and White House staffers hours to find him, camped out as he was in some random closet. They proceeded from room to room, carefully searching under the beds in case the president was playing a game of hide and seek with some of his imaginary friends.
When that didn’t work, they then decided to change tactics and try to use technology to find the missing president. At that point, it was President Biden’s habits as someone of advanced age that saved him.
Rather than having his phone on “silent,” as most young and polite people do so that incoming calls or texts don’t disturb those around them, Biden had his set to ring at full volume whenever there was a single notification that popped up. Though his refusal to put his phone on silent annoyed many people, particularly during meetings, the White House staff was eventually able to find him when his phone kept ringing. Though the ringing didn’t wake him up (he rarely hears it anyway), the searchers were able to find him by searching for the source of the ringing. Luckily he was found before his phone died (he also forgets to charge it and then gets ornery when it runs out of battery).
Woken up by the Secret Service opening the door to the closet and pulling him out, Biden was startled to find out that he’d gone missing. Checking his phone groggily, he said “Why’s Jill called me so many times? She get those new popsicles I like?”
He was disappointed to find out that there weren’t any new popsicles, but then worried to discover that he was missing and had to be calmed down, with the Secret Service assuring him that he had been found and would be okay. Stressed out by the whole thing, Biden took another nap, this time in the nuclear bunker.
Speaking about the situation after the fact, an annoyed Kamala said “If they’d just let him sleep, I could have been the first black woman to have been president for a full seven hours! Imagine that. But no, Joe just haddd to be found!” She stormed off, pouting.
Hunter was also annoyed by Biden being found, complaining that now he’d have to start cutting some pretty large checks to “the Big Guy” yet again instead of just keeping his paychecks intact.