NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Please treat it as such.
In what might be the worst thing to happen to the Pelosi family’s finances since Nasty Nancy discovered Cirac vodka tastes like juice if you have two liters or more of it a day, Paul Pelosi, her stock-picking husband, was just “attacked” inside his home.
Well, that’s at least what the “highly respected reporters” and “experts” who enlightened us about those WMDs in Iraq, Russian collusion, and the January 6th “insurrection” are saying. The real news appears to be that Paul Pelosi was home alone with a nearly nude man who has done nude weddings in the past and the two were…”grappling”…over a hammer when police arrived for a “welfare check.” They should probably both go get tested for monkeypox after that monkeying around.
In any case, Paul was injured by the man’s…”hammer” and is in the hospital. Must have been a big “hammer” to do that much damage. While in the hospital and on a morphine drip, Mr. Pelosi let slip an important detail about the future…thanks to the injury he suffered during the day’s wild events, he fears his stock-picking ability might have been compromised.
“I used to just know what to pick,” Paul said while moaning in the hospital bed and begging for “just a sip or three” of brandy. “But now everything is coming up foggy. Like in the past I could sense with my spidey senses that Congress would back semi-conductor manufacturers, that EV manufacturers would be a good bet this year, that tech would get subsidies. Anything related to what Congress was doing, I just instinctively knew it. Now? Not so much. I can’t see into the future any more, and I worry my portfolio will suffer for it.”
On a completely unrelated note, Nasty Nancy announced that, given the implications of what he was up to while she was away, she would not be on speaking terms with Paul until “he won her back” and “stopped drinking 7 bottles of wine at the family vineyard and then attempting to drive back instead of just getting a $50 Uber that would have saved them weeks of embarrassment.”
“Until then,” she said, “I won’t be giving Paul any details of my life or what’s going on at work, stuff that he’s normally quite fond of hearing now that our relationship has, or at least had, settled into one of pleasant companionship rather than steamy romance.”
So that’s more bad news for Paul, as if the completely unrelated inability to pick stocks based on what Congress is up to wasn’t bad enough.