NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Following up on the “success” of the January 6th Committee in making Trump look bad to a motley collection of wine moms in the suburbs that only get their news from CNN clips playing while they’re at the gym, leftists that already hated Trump, and ignoramuses that take the statements of Deep State apparatchiks at face value, Nancy Pelosi and her fellow Democrats decided to attack the nation’s founding in much the same way.
They did so by creating and then promoting, on Twitter, of course, a “July 4th Committee” meant to slander the story of the nation’s founding even more than the 1619 Project already has, using slick graphics and soundbites to smear the Founders and tarnish the founding in any way possible.
Unsurprisingly, however, the Democrats decided not to be creative with it and to instead just copy, almost verbatim, the sort of trash pushed by the Liz Cheney-dominated January 6th Committee and call the American Revolution a “dangerous insurrection” and July Fourth an “abominable celebration of insurrection”.
That failed to find purchase with many Americans, as no one really cared that it was an “insurrection” against a king over 200 years ago and those who did care were mostly in favor of the “insurrection”.
Regardless, Democrats, unable to see why the line about the American Revolution might not work as well as it did in smearing Trump, kept pushing it, with Nancy Pelosi leading the charge and declaring that she would refuse to celebrate Independence Day because of it “insurrectionist roots.” Speaking on that, Nancy said:
“If there’s one thing I learned last year, other than how to day trade based on secret information without getting caught, it’s that insurrections are absolutely horrible! Who can forget the buffalo horn guy in the Senate! Who can forget all those brave cops killed by the MAGA hat-wearing lunatics (note: 0 were killed by MAGA people)?
“No one can! It’s impossible. That’s because the event was so evil, so out of the norm for America, that it shocked us to the core.
“Such should also be the case with the Revolution. Based on what we now know about insurrections and their evils, no American should be celebrating that insurrection against King George. And so I will not be celebrating Independence Day. Moving forward, we on the left will only support Juneteenth, as it is free of insurrectionist roots!”
President Biden’s Twitter account retweeted a video of her giving that statement, meaning that he is likely on board. He was, however, seen eating red, white, and blue ice cream on the Fourth, so perhaps he was unsure what it was that he had retweeted.
Pelosi, for her part, did not celebrate the Fourth and instead alternated between tweeting out clips of her speech, pictures of the buffalo horn guy, and trading Asian and European stocks based on new trade bills working their way through Congress.