NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Nancy Pelosi’s husband, the one who executes her insider-trading-based stock trades and makes the family all of its money, just got arrested for driving under the influence following a crash near the couple’s Napa Valley vineyard.
Pelosi’s office initially refused to comment, saying that it was a private matter and that neither Nancy nor any of her staffers would be commenting on it, as it didn’t relate to her political goals, agenda, or actions. Fair enough, if a bit of a boring response.
But that wasn’t good enough for Paul Pelosi, who wanted his public-facing wife to stand up for him in the press and defend his honor. So she did, holding a press conference and saying:
“Listen up, folks, because this is important. Yes, my beloved husband (they embrace twice a year, Nance is colder than a cucumber) was just arrested for a misdemeanor DUI offense. Driving drunk is never acceptable or excusable and we must learn from this experience.
“But, though I’m not trying to make excuses for my husband, who I love dearly, I want you to know that he never drives drunk and that we’re looking into what happened. Though the evidence is inconclusive, and certainly not enough to get him out of anything yet, I want to share what the intelligence agencies I directed to look into the issue found.
“According to the CIA and FBI, both of whom performed their duties admirably when we found out Trump was deeply intertwined with Russia, it was Russian agents that slipped intoxicating liquors into my husband’s water. Yes, that’s right, they tried to set me up for an embarrassing story by sneakily intoxicating my husband.
“Not only that, but they then forced him to drive away after getting the alcohol into his system by loudly and boisterously making racist remarks, saying things that made him leave quickly so that he wouldn’t be associated with such horrific speech or have to listen to it.
“And so Paul, thanks to those racist Russian agents, had to drive away after being intoxicated without his intent or knowledge.”
Few believed Pelosi’s story despite an anonymous collection of 73 former “intelligence professionals” signing onto a letter claiming that such a thing is “exactly what Russia would do” to “humiliate one of its toughest opponents.”
Trump, posting about the whole thing on Truth Social, tore into Pelosi and her attempt to make it all about racism and Russia, saying:
“Next Nasty Nancy will be telling us it was Putler than executed stock trades based on insider information and made them look like they were trades she was making, or that it was for reasons of ‘racial equity’ that she made millions on Tesla options after passing an electric vehicle bill. INVESTIGATE HER NOW!”
Putin, for his part, assured the Duma and press that he had more important things to do than embarrassing some American drunkard and reminded members of Russia’s legislative body that drinking and driving was very dangerous.