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Pentagon Hires Wall Street to Attack China with “Weaponized Debt Bombs”

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    The powers that be decided to trott out some “distinguished” defense officials today to surprise, surprise, attack Republicans. Framing demands of fiscal sanity and tamping down the ever-increasing deficit and debt load as “dangerous,” the hacks in the defense establishment said:

    Today, former Secretaries of Defense Leon Panetta and Chuck Hagel warned that brinksmanship on the debt ceiling would have serious consequences for national security, noting: “The consequence of debt-ceiling brinksmanship is a dangerous self-inflected wound that tells both our friends and our enemies that we cannot be trusted. Such brinksmanship weakens our national security.”

    The former Defense Secretaries write that the consequences of default would be devastating: “Not only would default seriously damage America’s economic credibility; it would also weaken our nation’s security by interfering with our ability to pay our troops and maintain military readiness.”

    President Biden is committed to avoiding Congressional Republicans’ threat of default on the full faith and credit of the U.S., which would weaken national security, raise costs and cost jobs, and create economic chaos. Congressional Republicans should take the threat of default off the table, and put their fiscal plans—which could increase the debt by more than $3 trillion—on the table.

    However, it turns out that the Pentagon had deeper, far more devious reasons for going along with Democrat demands that it back their demands for yet more money and yet another increase of the debt ceiling. That’s because it figured out how to make “weaponized debt bombs” that it hopes will take down Red China in the event of war.

    Speaking on that in an anonymous interview given to The Blaze, an unnamed Colonel based in D.C. said:

    “Well, look. Obvious what Panetta and those other losers said was dead wrong. In a sane world, less debt would be good for national security. Not bad. But, as with all things, this isn’t a sane world. Not at all…uggh.

    “So, anyway, we looked around a mall one day and realized that, in the event of a war, we just don’t have the human material to cut it. And before you start yelling, go take a look outside. Everyone is fat, out of shape, obviously addicted to drugs, and just plain weird. Not the sort of people that win wars. Not even the sort that lose wars! Just the sort that don’t fight them so they have more time to play video games.

    “So we needed something else to try and win. We figured this was as good an idea as any. We’ll use this debt to infiltrate their financial system, and, in the event of war, just nuke it. I can’t say how the system works, but it’s pretty clever. And they’re already infected.”

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