NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In what might be the only display of fiscal responsibility to come out of Washington in the past few decades, the same politicians that spent untold millions deploying thousands of National Guard troops to DC to “protect” the Capitol from a guy in a buffalo hat and some guy who cracked a Coors Light while wandering around (only Nancy is allowed to get drunk in the sacred halls of the Capitol!) are claiming that they can’t pay for a program that would send a cop or two to guard each school so that psychotic maniacs can’t kill the kids within them “too expensive”.
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, representing the majority power blocs in the House and Senate, respectively, said, in a joint press conference:
“We understand that Americans want for their kids to be protected. That makes sense and is reasonable. Children should be safe!
“But that doesn’t mean that the federal government can pay for it. While we of course want kids to be safe, we don’t want inflation to get worse, taxes to go up, or the federal debt to rage even more out of control, and one billion dollars is just too big a number to swing right now. Sure, forty times that is going to protect Ukraine and billions more are sent to Israel because we don’t want to get on the wrong side of AIPAC, but it’s time to be responsible!
“So the government, though it supports safe schools and obviously wants to keep your kids safe, won’t be paying to help protect schools. We have to protect ourselves, Israel, the Ukraine, and every other random warlord, drug dealer, or awful country that professes to like us more than the evil Russians, and after all that money has been spent we just don’t have any left to protect the schools with. Sorry.”
News later leaked that fiscal responsibility was not the real reason for a Democrat refusal to keep schools safe: in reality, they just want to have yet more excuses to push gun control, and think that if schools are safe then they won’t have mass shootings to use in the future as a means by which they can try to bash the US into supporting gun control proposals.
An anonymous, young staffer, speaking on that, said:
“Yeah, like, Nancy and them like totally want more gun control, and I heard them saying that they want to make it harder for schools to stay safe so that they like, in the future, have more of a reason to pass gun control laws. So they’re being really sneaky about that, but I think that the Republicans are in on it too because Lindsey Graham isn’t even doing his pretend to fight them thing on Fox, so…yeah, they’re all terrible people.”