NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Biden was absolutely furious with yesterday’s Supreme Court decision to end affirmative action, saying that the idea of merit-based admissions would be disastrous for America’s black population. In a short speech he gave on the situation, he first said:
Forty-five years — for forty-five years, the United States Supreme Court has recognized a college’s freedom to decide how — how to build diverse student bodies and to meet their responsibility of opening doors of opportunity for every single American.
In case after case, including recently, just as a few years ago in 2016, the Court has affirmed and reaffirmed this view: that colleges could use race not as a determinative factor for admission, but as one of the factors among many in deciding who to admit from a quali- — from a qualified — already qualified pool of applicants.
Today, the Court once again walked away from decades of precedent and make — as the dissent has made clear. The dissent states that today’s decision, quote, “rolls back decades of precedent and momentous progress.” End of quote. I agree with that statement from the dissents — from the dissent. The Court has effectively ended affirmative action in college admissions. And I strongly — strongly disagree with the Court’s decision.
Then President Biden got mixed up and quoted himself from 1970, saying, “Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point. We have got to make some move on this.”
The crowd lost it at that point. Already fed up with his numerous gaffes, the “coalition” of “racial leaders” Biden had invited to politely clap during his speech went berserk and started booing and shouting at him, remembering what the Brandon of 1970 was up to and not happy about it.
Kamala sensed the opportunity to become president and rand up on stage to shove him off of it, which then led to a huge fistfight between Kamala and the civil rights crowd on one side and the President’s security detail and other law enforcement officers on the other.
Biden attempted to calm everyone down by getting back on track with his speech, saying, “Many people wrongly believe that affirmative action allows unqualified students — unqualified students — to be admitted ahead of qualified students. This is not — this is not how college admissions work. Rather, colleges set out standards for admission, and every student — every student has to meet those standards. Then, and only then, after first meeting the qualifications required by the school, do colleges look at other factors in addition to their grades, such as race. The way it works in practice is this: Colleges first establish a qualified pool of candidates based on meeting certain grade, test scores, and other criteria.”
But, by that point, no one was listening. Punches were thrown, kicks delivered, and firearms close to being drawn when the president decided to order a retreat and fled with his security detail.