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REPORT: Biden Demands Hakeen Jeffries Swear That He’s Not Corn Pop

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    The White House recently released a “readout” of President Biden’s call with Senator Chuck Schumer, the Senate Majority Leader, and Rep. Hakeem Jeffries, the House Minority Leader. Filled with the sort of lies one expects from Team Brandon about making the rich pay their “fair share” and Republicans wanting to starve, there wasn’t really all that much of note within it.

    This afternoon, President Biden spoke with Leaders Schumer and Jeffries by phone about the spring work period. They discussed Congressional Democrats’ efforts to lower costs for hardworking families, protect essential programs that make communities safer, and confirm the President’s nominees.

    The President, Leader Schumer, and Leader Jeffries also discussed House Republicans’ brinkmanship over default and how their recklessness could crash the economy. President Biden, Leader Schumer, and Leader Jeffries agree that we won’t negotiate over default and Republicans should pass a clean bill like they did three times in the previous administration.

    The President told Leader Schumer and Leader Jeffries that he was ready to have a separate negotiation over the budget once Republicans present their plan, as has been done by both parties in Congress and the White House in the past. His Budget cuts the deficit by nearly $3 trillion over 10 years, asks the super-wealthy and corporations to pay their fair share, lowers costs for hardworking families, and invests in America. They discussed what we know about House Republicans’ extreme MAGA spending cuts, which include devastating cuts to veterans and education, taking food assistance and health care away from millions of people, and sending manufacturing overseas — all just to pay for their tax cuts for the super-wealthy and corporations.

    But, according to an anonymous source of ours within the House, that’s not what the three really discussed. Schumer fell asleep part of the way through, at which Biden whispered “Hakeem, you’re not Corn Pop, are you? Corn Pop was a bad dude and I don’t want him in the government.”

    Hakeem, shocked, asked him to repeat the question, which Biden did, then adding “Now you better swear you ain’t Corn Pop!”

    Rep. Jeffries was, according to our source, seething, but promised Biden that he was not Corn Pop. Biden remained unconvinced, saying “well that’s what Corn Pop would say if he was trying to cut my throat with a razor blade again! If fought you off with a chain last time, I’ll do it again on the floor of the House if I need to.”

    Worried that a Clinton Kill Team was headed his way, Jeffries’ annoyance turned to fear, and he assured Biden that he was born well after the Corn Pop incident at the pool occurred, faxing over a copy of his birth certificate to the White House.

    But, by that time, it didn’t matter. Biden had followed in Schumer’s footsteps and fallen asleep. Such is the natural order of things in a gerontocracy like ours.

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