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REPORT: Biden Injured While Using Shredder to Try to Get Rid of Documents

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Taking action to try and destroy a few batches of classified documents before investigators could get to them and find out what exactly it was that Biden had been storing at his Delaware home, President Joe Biden decided to take a weekend trip up to the house and try shredding the documents.

    According to our source within the White House, Biden went on Amazon Prime, tried ordering a paper shredder, got frustrated trying to figure out all the “newfangled technology” (by which he meant clicking two buttons and selecting an address) and then had to ask in a secretary to help him order the shredder. He, again according to the source, apparently ordered the best one available, a $17,000 monstrosity of a shredder that, when you put documents in the top of it, shreds them in two directions simultaneously to make them near impossible to put back together, even with the best AI tech available.

    The shredder, because of its weight, took three days to arrive at Biden’s Deleware residence but, when it did, he promptly journeyed to the house to try and do some shredding. When asked by his staff why he wouldn’t just tell Hunter to do that, Biden said, again according to our source within the White House, that “there’s no way Hunter will actually do a good job with it.” Continuing, he said “I love the boy, I really do, but he’d just get up there and start smoking some crack with his buddies and a few ladies of the night. I know how he spends his time…it just wouldn’t get done, Jack. And Jill wouldn’t do it if I begged…she doesn’t like that sort of malarkey.”

    And so Biden had to do the shredding himself, something which went predictably poorly.

    For one, the documents had already been scanned by FBI agents, so there was no real point. They knew what he had taken. But, beyond that, he wasn’t paying close attention to the cutting blades of the shredder and let his tie slip into the machine while he reached for a spoonful of oatmeal. Not thinking to just hit the power button on the machine, he futilely tried to yank his tie out of it, which didn’t work thanks to the bidirectional cutting blades.

    Instead of escaping, therefore, Joe was pulled closer and closer to the roaring blades, eventually getting a few lacerations on his face before the Secret Service saw what was going on and rushed to intervene before it was too late. But, still, Biden had a lacerated face and was shaken, something Karine Jean-Pierre tried to play off by saying that Biden had been “attacked by racists”.

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