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REPORT: Biden Met, Thanked Hunter’s Paymasters in Ukraine

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    President Biden recently visited Kiev and Russian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Announcing that visit in a statement released by the White House Briefing Room, he said:

    As the world prepares to mark the one-year anniversary of Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine, I am in Kyiv today to meet with President Zelenskyy and reaffirm our unwavering and unflagging commitment to Ukraine’s democracy, sovereignty, and territorial integrity.

    When Putin launched his invasion nearly one year ago, he thought Ukraine was weak and the West was divided. He thought he could outlast us. But he was dead wrong.

    Today, in Kyiv, I am meeting with President Zelenskyy and his team for an extended discussion on our support for Ukraine. I will announce another delivery of critical equipment, including artillery ammunition, anti-armor systems, and air surveillance radars to help protect the Ukrainian people from aerial bombardments. And I will share that later this week, we will announce additional sanctions against elites and companies that are trying to evade or backfill Russia’s war machine. Over the last year, the United States has built a coalition of nations from the Atlantic to the Pacific to help defend Ukraine with unprecedented military, economic, and humanitarian support – and that support will endure.

    I also look forward to traveling on to Poland to meet President Duda and the leaders of our Eastern Flank Allies, as well as deliver remarks on how the United States will continue to rally the world to support the people of Ukraine and the core values of human rights and dignity in the UN Charter that unite us worldwide.

    Notably, what Biden left out of that statement, one which he also posted to Twitter, is that the real purpose of his visit was not to discuss artillery shell shipments with Zelensky, who annoyed him by always asking for yet more money, but instead to meet with and thank Hunter’s former paymasters at Burisma and ask them to start paying his son again.

    “Listen here, Jack”, he supposedly told them. “We really appreciate what you did for Hunter. He needed cash, needed a job, and you helped him out. Big thanks. Great job with that, man. Really appreciate it. But we need help again. Lemme tell ya, Hunter’s been slandered by those dog faced pony soldiers at Fox News and now he can’t get a good job! All he needs is a million or so a year! Not that much, Jack, not that much. So can ya help him out? He really needs it, and maybe we could help you get your factories back.”

    They must have found that acceptable, as Hunter just announced he would be working for Burisma again and then Biden announced $200 million more for “defending Ukrainian industry.”

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